


Looking in the dark (with an empty heart)

by starsinoureyes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, F/M, I think that's it - Freeform, Louis has some bad ace days and goes through a denial and doubt phase, M/M, also outing someone, and slight miscommunication and leg humping, but it's brief and towards the end so you can skip it, canon episodes but with a twist, like teenagers watching porn, there are some warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 05:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5404181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsinoureyes/pseuds/starsinoureyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a perfect world One Direction is not interviewed by idiots. In a perfect world Harry doesn't have to defend his relationship with Louis. </p><p>Harry and Louis are out, and the whole world loves their love story, until an interviewer takes hints that they're together for a very long time now, and their libido must have changed since they were young. They don't say anything, until the media turns against them, saying their relationship must be very dull after all these years.<br/>The only thing the media doesn't know, that Louis is asexual. His biggest fear is that Harry will leave him because of it, even though Harry grabs every chance to comfort him how perfect their relationship is, and he wouldn't want to change anything. </p><p>So when in an interview the host directly calls them out on their sex-life, Harry snaps at them without thinking, outing Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking in the dark (with an empty heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Saori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saori/gifts).



> This is for Saori, thank you for the wonderful prompts and I have chosen this one. Unfortunately, I got a bit ambitious and wanted to headcanon everything about Louis' real life as him being asexual so that's why your prompt got a bit reduced.  
> My goal before writing: make everyone believe and think real life Louis is asexual.  
> What I actually wrote: nowhere near my goal but filled with lots of personal experience and half-baked thoughts. also lame excuses for angst. 
> 
> I hope that the fact I wrote 25k will be enough for you to forgive me.

 

**Looking in the dark (with an empty heart)**

 

 

It was supposed to be a simple interview.

Like thousands before them. Before they were out, before they were together. Before....

Before Louis knew what he really was. No, before he _accepted_ what he was.

It was supposed to be simple.

 

~*~

 

“They are members of the world-wide known boy band! They have made number one hit albums in over hundreds of countries! They have toured the world! And tonight, with yours truly, they are here! Please welcome Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson!”

The sound of their latest single was their signal to descend the fake staircases and join the new host of The Chatty Man Show – Bruce Sucer. After Alan Carr resigned from his position after unresolved tension with the production team, they found him a replacement. It was a ‘new and improved’ Chatty Man show with comedy sketches, more funny music,  new studio and all A-list celebrities lined up for the next 6 months to be guests. The new host quickly filled the shoes of his scarily funny and punny ex-host and proved himself to be almost as funny and a bit aggressive with interviews.

Harry and Louis were asked to be guests on the first episodes of the new show for fan service and reawaken the interest for them and the band which has been declining in the past few months.

Harry tugged Louis’ hand and they descended the stairs to join Bruce on the studio floor. The audience cheered and clapped when they saw them, causing a bit of commotion in the last rows while the boys hugged and greeted the host.

“How are you feeling, lads?“ he asked them when they sat down on the plush green couch.

Louis grimaced at his question. Honestly, he felt a bit claustrophobic by the new set design. It was large and spacey, without the comfortable and homey feeling of a fake living room the old set had. It was ages ago when all five of them were on Alan Carr show now that he thought about it. When Alan was here, they changed the set later twice but Louis only saw it on TV. They were never called for an appearance since 2012. Up till now.

“Great.” Harry took the question first with a big dimpled smile. “Always excited for interviews. Right, Lou?”

Louis smiled widely and looked at Harry. His boy always knew when to take over for Louis and push him a bit. “Yeah. It’s good to be here. Congrats on the show, Bruce. You’re doing smashing in your first season.”

“Look at them, already showering me with compliments.” Bruce fluttered his eyelashes and waved himself exaggeratedly. “Please, just keep watering my ego. It can’t get any bigger.”

“Or you’ll need to build a new studio.” Louis quipped and the audience laughed. Bruce glared at him and then sat upright. Louis thought that if Keith Lemon and a watered down version of Alan Carr had a baby - Bruce would be it. Alan was funny but it was obvious Bruce was trying to play up his mock-offended gestures and lines. It was a bit see-through.  

“It’s big enough. As I’ve been told last night.” He grinned and winked towards the camera for it to catch the double meaning and audience laughed uproariously.

Louis was a fan of a good penis joke but they barely started. Was it going to be like this during the entire interview?

“Okay, okay. Enough of my pillow talk. I want to know what’s up with you guys.” Bruce said and leaned forward on his knee with his hands on his chin, blinking at Harry and Louis like a school girl. “I hear a new album is coming out, a new tour and movie propositions too! My, you’ve been busy busy busy bees.”

Louis chuckled and took Harry’s hand in his. “Yeah, I mean the movie is just a rumour. None of us is even that good to even try for a serious role, but…” He explained and glanced at Harry who was already lovingly staring back at him. It always amazed Louis how he could openly look at Harry, without having to worry how anyone else might interpret it. “It was just a natural thing to do. After our break, y’know, we just wanted to take it slow and give everything our hundred percent. So the album sounds great.”

“And the tour will be incredible.” Harry added.

“Mhmmm.” Bruce crossed his legs and smirked like he was up to something. “And something else has been going slow and natural, hasn’t it?” He didn’t even let the boys answer before explaining. “I mean now everybody who hasn’t been living under a rock knows you’re together. And have been for quite some time now, yeah?”

“Yes.” Harry answered, always too quick to gush about their relationship to anyone willing to listen. “We are happily together for more than four years now.” It was much more subdued while they were both in the closet but now that he had the chance, Harry spoke thrice as much about every single thing involving the two of them. It made - and still makes - Louis feel special. The fact that Harry valued them _together_ so much that he wanted to bore everyone to death about their vacations or anniversaries or anything really. It also served as a reminder to Louis that Harry was okay with him being what he was and how different their relationship was from what everyone thought.  

At the beginning of their relationship it took Louis months to truly believe when Harry said he loved him. “Just the way you are, Lou. I won’t change anything. About you or about us. You mean too much to me.”

Those were simple words but Louis clinged onto them when his doubts were the worst in the last four years. Even when Harry’s touch became too heated for Louis’ liking and when Louis pulled back and saw a hurtful expression on Harry’s face.

It wasn’t all on Louis, sure. Harry had to deal with his own ideas of them and how they could work. The fear Louis felt was his own.

He loved Harry - almost worshipped the ground the boy walked on, but he knew nothing about being asexual. And what it meant to live in an over-sexualised world as an asexual boy.

 

~*~

 

Louis Tomlinson grew up just like any other boy his age in the city of Doncaster and in a family of five. He fought with his sisters, he played football in his back garden, he loved his mum and he went to school.

He learned many things: how to play hide and seek, how to pass notes in the class with Stan so teacher doesn’t notice, how to prank his Geography teacher, how to act and sing in a musical and how to behave when you’re in a relationship.

Now, for the latter he had many examples. His mother and stepfather, movies, commercials, his neighbours and classmates. He was really keen on the whole relationship idea. It actually seemed nice.

Having a person who will laugh at your jokes, who will understand your quirks and encourage you to be the best you can be. But also it’s a person you will kiss and hug and have sex with. _One day_ , Louis’ mind will always supply.

Wherever you are in the world, the first thing you learn as you grow up is that you need to be in a relationship and you will definitely have sex with another person at one point in that relationship if you want it to be special and good.

Louis’ mind didn’t always agree with that. He liked the basic parts; kissing, hugging, talking, maybe cuddling. But sex was always too abstract for him and seemed like it’ll happen in a really far future.

“When I’m old and much smarter and knew what I was doing.” He would tell himself.

His interest for romance and relationships didn’t stop at imagination, he could feel it growing in himself. It was a warm feeling that flowed through your body, a dose of adrenaline and excitement when you saw a person you liked, the shakiness in your hands when you talked to them and not feeling your legs when you saw them on the street by accident. He heard people say it was what it felt like being in love and he loved that he experienced it too. 

He had numerous crushes. And he found so many people appealing.

A girl in the streets, passing him on the crosswalk with lovely curly hair; a boy in fifth grade who borrowed him his Red Power Ranger figurine; boy in his freshman Biology class and so on…. He imagined kissing them and holding their hand and it felt really good to him. And he thought that it was the only thing that mattered.

The fact he found boys as potential relationship material startled him a bit. He heard enough about homophobic violence and hatred that he pushed it in the back of his mind. He liked girls enough too so nobody would ask about the other part of him.

 

Since he was a little boy, Louis had been fun, playful and mischievous. He loved to make people laugh and be the centre of attention, so the role of the Class Clown came to him naturally. Everybody wanted to hang out with him, girls and boys alike and he had friends on each side. Secondary school was new and undiscovered world. He didn’t care about education; school was just a big social for him. There were people to please and to have fun with.

He met Stan when he was a tiny fifth grader and the only person who wanted to play football on his team. Soon, they did everything together. Played more sports (dabbled with basketball after watching few episodes of _One Tree Hill_ ), played pranks together, played video games and shared secrets. Although being at a fragile age of thirteen, they also didn’t hesitate to talk about sex and who they found ‘fit’.

The first time Louis felt something was different was when he and Stan agreed to watch porn together. Stan’s older brother had a computer in their basement and Stan’s parents were out to visit his grandmother on the other side of Doncaster. They had the entire house for themselves. Stan clicked for the links he wanted on Google and the first video quickly loaded.

They sat on the couch, Stan consciously making room between them and Louis knew this was something big although he couldn’t quite understand why. The couple on the screen started getting into it and soft moans were coming from the speakers next to the bulky monitor.

Louis just blinked at the video. It was funny at first how they were breathing and talking deeply, obviously overacting, but the more he watched the more bored he got. He glanced at Stan who was clenching and unclenching his fists and biting his lip. He seemed like he was enjoying it. Louis looked back at the video and felt himself growing a bit repulsed at what they were doing.

He must’ve made a face when Stan suddenly spoke: “What? You don’t like this?”

Louis nodded, getting redder in the face. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s a bit weird.”

“We could watch two girls together. I saw Andrew watching that kind of stuff too. Should I change the video?”

Louis knew that seeing two girls doing the same stuff wouldn’t make a difference. “I guess.” Stan stood up and did just that. Louis sat up straighter and fluffed pillows to lean on them. When Stan turned to sit back on the couch, Louis saw it. A bulge right in the front of Stan’s pants. Louis froze. He remembered his Biology teacher talking almost a year ago about changes in bodies and how each part functioned. He was a bit disgusted by the pictures she showed them and he wasn’t particularly concerned about it because he felt like nobody will be interested in all of that stuff until much later. University maybe.

He obviously knew what was happening to Stan but he was so surprised by it that he couldn’t say a word. It looked a bit painful to Louis. And then he looked down on himself and didn’t see anything. No bulge, no pain. Nothing.

He wasn’t as affected as Stan was by what they were watching. _Why_?

Soon a pair of female voices was breathing heavily and he saw a blonde and a brunette kissing each other. He felt a bit warm when they touched each other’s boobs and kissed heavily. Then he frowned when they bit each others necks.

Was that supposed to be hot? It looked mildly painful to Louis. He didn’t really see the point. He slowly grew frustrated, sitting there with Stan because he didn’t want to watch this anymore but Stan seemed really into it.

“Stan, let’s watch some footie. I think Man U has a game now on-“

“Louis, what? We’re watching porn now, and you think about football?”

Louis rolled his eyes. “It’s boring. I want to watch football.”

Stan’s eyes almost bulged in surprise. “Porn is boring? What’s wrong with you?”

Louis shrugged and grabbed the remote. “Nothing’s wrong. Maybe I just don’t like it.”

Stan’s attention was completely on Louis now, his lesbian porn video completely forgotten. “You’re so weird. You’re a man; you’re supposed to like it. Everybody does.”

Louis scoffed. “Fuck off, Stan.” He grumbled. Stan’s words hurt but he pretended he was fine. He turned on the TV. _Not everyone_ , Louis’ brain whispered when Stan shut down the computer and they watched football together.

When Louis came back home that night, he tucked himself in his bed and thought about what happened at Stan’s. He didn’t feel like any other boy his age anymore. Something was different but he didn’t know what. But he also knew that to avoid any questions he didn’t know the answer to, he must keep quiet about this.

 

~*~

 

Things didn’t change much after that night. Louis was still Louis. The fun guy who made jokes with his friends, drew dicks on his teacher’s desk, watched superheroes fight evil on his TV and played video games.

He started taking up piano lessons at fourteen. They weren’t _actual_ piano lessons, his stepfather got a keyboard and Louis listened to music and then tried to recreate what he heard by himself. He wasn’t really that successful so he checked out some Youtube tutorials. Soon he could play few The Fray songs he liked by himself and he started exploring music more.

You could say that _that_ was when Louis Tomlinson fell in love with music. And since that day on, the love hasn’t diminished. He just wanted to do more with it.

And it distracted him from feeling lonely and different.

 

~*~

 

His friend jokingly told him he started a band one day at school and that they needed a singer. Louis was immediately intrigued.

“Really? I sing a bit. I mainly fuck around on keyboards, piano y’know.” He said and Oli’s eyebrow quirked up.

“Well, you could stop by George’s house tomorrow after school. We’re gonna play for a bit. Messing about and banter, yeah?” Oli nudged him in the ribs.

“Fucking see you there, you wanker!” Louis yelled after him as Oli ran down the hallway, already late for his History class. Also Louis was late for his Maths class.

Bugger.

 

When Louis came by George’s the next day, he found that the lads considered the banter and messing about as one of the key points in what made a band. Music was hardly on their minds when they were together. They tinkered for half an hour, trying out different songs but couldn’t really match up their sound and then proceeded to play video games, stuff their faces or having water gun fights.

Louis took few things in his life seriously, and for now music wasn’t one of them. It was just a fun way to pass the time. He tried finding some easy songs they could play but he himself always got distracted by singing off-key the latest trash songs or rapping and pretending he’s Eminem.

He loved being artistic though, and he didn’t want that to stop at music.

There were few auditions in Yorkshire and his mum signed him up for some of them. He played as an extra in a film and it was really exciting. Contributing to something, but also he thought of himself walking down red carpet and accepting his Oscar, the entire atmosphere really took him away. He was on the set in Leeds for only two days but he got to see some stuff they did when they filmed movies. A young man who played the leading role was tall and with a nose full of freckles. They passed each other few times and the man always greeted him. Although a short experience, it wasn’t so bad and Louis wondered if he could land a good role if he worked as hard as he did with music.

As time went by, he got more serious about it. He started producing, he signed up The Rouge for the Battle of the Bands in Manchester and he watched a lot of musicals. That was the time Louis’ mum signed Lottie up for modern dance lessons and he practiced with her. And he found himself liking it, showing off his flamboyant side.

His social life was alive and blossoming too. But he often found himself more and more stuttering when his group of friends asked him about girls and relationships. He tried to divert the subject by making a joke or acting out, and it only worked for a little while. Sometimes they’d talk about some explicit things and making really nasty comments about their own experiences which got too much for Louis. He also didn’t appreciate that at the age of sixteen playing Seven Minutes in Heaven and Spin the Bottle got extremely popular. The weird and uncomfortable feelings were at their highest and he got more and more angry with himself. He spent a lot of nights thinking and wishing that he would like to do the things his friends were freely talking about and he wished that he would find someone who felt like him.

He still tried to comfort himself by saying: ”I’m just a late bloomer. It’ll happen for me in university or-or I just have to meet someone I like.”

When he was sixteen was also when he met Hannah. She was nice enough and they shared the same sense of humour. She was one of the closest friends he had at that time. They understood each other on purely platonic level but the more time they spent together, other people were saying how ‘they should just be together since they spend so much time together’. The lads asked if he was in some kind of friends with benefits thing with her and when he denied vehemently, they just looked at him curiously and asked why not.

That was when Louis decided that maybe he should just give the two of them a chance. He was inexperienced with relationships and maybe if he was in one, the sexual stuff will just surface. He liked Hannah, so what would be so wrong in dating her?

 

She agreed, to Louis surprise. He never thought she liked him in that way so he was at least hopeful she won’t be too weirded out by his way of thinking about relationships. He also liked that nothing really changed with them.

They still hang out, they still talked, and pranked others but now they kissed occasionally too. He wasn’t so sure how he felt about it, but he expected it will grow on him in time.

“Hey, Lou. D’you know they have auditions for school production?” she called him one day when he was editing a recording of his cover of _Because Of You_ for Youtube (he recently made a Youtube account and was nervous about posting his covers for others to judge but it was also a lot of fun seeing what they think about him).

“Yeah, for what?” he said and clicked something absentmindedly on his laptop.

“I think it’s called _Grease_ or something. It’s a musical. It’s popular, I don’t know. Never seen it. I thought you might be interested.”

Louis stopped to think about her words. He remembered seeing the movie few years back and how fun it’d been, the music was so catchy and great. He liked it then, and now he wondered how it’d be like to actually perform them.

“Sounds fun, might be a good practice for the X-Factor.” He teased, but only half-jokingly. He’d been thinking about going to the auditions and really see if he’s any good, if all this nonsense and effort he put in it were futile.

Hannah chuckled on her end. “Yeah, I think you have better chances with X-Factor. I’ve heard you sing, Lou. You’re great.”

Louis smiled. She wasn’t his girlfriend for nothing. Louis knew how to pick supportive and honest people. “Thanks, love.”

 

Reality kicked Louis in his backside few months later. While he was purposefully ignoring his own feelings and (nonexistent) attraction, Stan’s grin smacked him back down to the earth.

“You- what?” Louis asked him, knowing exactly what Stan said. Stan’s smile widened, pleased at besting Louis who was always the one who people loved and admired more – not that Stan was really jealous – but the sting was still present.

“I had sex with Lauren. Y’know, my girlfriend?” Stan prompted and Louis’ jaw which was smack-opened in surprise was set back in its place. Louis didn’t really understand why and how was that possible. They were only dating for four months, weren’t they? They hardly knew each other, and the sex was a big commitment and neither of them were even remotely mature enough for that, and why would they even want to do that in the first place?

All of these questions fired rapidly through Louis’ mind. He simply didn’t get it. Why rush things? Did people really want to have sex? It wasn’t just pure speculations and exaggerated talking?

Then Louis got scared. Hannah and him were dating for almost a year. What if she expects the same from him?

“Aren’t you going to say something, Louis?” Stan asked, his brown eyes widening after Louis hadn’t said anything in a while.

Louis blinked at him and fish-mouthed. “I… Why’d you do it? I mean, weren’t you scared?”

“What do you mean? Scared of what?”

Louis shrugged, trying to keep his inner turmoil at bay. “I don’t know. She might get pregnant or you might’ve messed up something.”

Stan laughed at him and then playfully slapped his shoulder. “I used a condom, mate. Don’t worry. It’s just sex, innit? Not like I did rocket science.”

Louis refrained from commenting further and then when he saw the expectant look on Stan’s face, recoiled at the anticipation of his question.

“What about you and Hannah? You done it already?”

Louis shook his head, trying not to think too much about it. Stan nodded sympathetically, although he already knew the answer (he just wanted to gloat at his success of doing something first for a change).

“Don’t worry, she’ll put out soon. Once they done it, they never get enough of it.”

Louis frowned at his words and made a mildly disgusted face. _That’s not the problem, Stan_ , he thought bitterly.

 

Louis met up with Hannah that night for their biweekly date night at the McDonalds near Keepmoat stadium. He started working there, flipping burgers in a stall near the entrance to the stadium whenever there was a game night. He had a day off that day so he had enough time to fret over what happened with Stan and if and how he should talk with Hannah about it.

 

He cracked his knuckles nervously as he waited for her to arrive. He kept fiddling with the zipper of his jacket and flicking his fringe out of his eyes. He went through all possible scenarios of how he should start the conversation and what she might say and how he should respond that his head felt too small and cramped for every thought he had. As time ticked closer to her arrival, his lungs were feeling tighter and tighter.

When he saw her walking in, in her black dress and leather jacket, hair braided and with a red lipstick smile, his lungs shut down and he couldn’t breathe anymore. He was sitting rigidly with a strained smile when she gracefully sat in front him. She smiled widely and her eyes were slits. Normally Louis would think it was adorable but all he could register was his mind going _oh shit she’s here she’s here she’s here._

“Hey, Lou.” She greeted and reached out to gently squeeze Louis’ hand. He hoped she couldn’t feel how clammy it was.

“Hannah.” Her name sounded so wheezy and too high coming out of his mouth that he cringed at himself. Her eyebrow curled curiously and she leaned forward to look at him properly.

“Louis? Did something happen?”

Louis coughed to clear his throat and took deep breaths to calm his nerves. “God, no. I was just…. Excited to see you. You look great.”

Hannah squinted at him and then shook her head. “Bullshit, Louis. What’s going on?”

Louis hung his head and breathed. Then he looked up at her and saw her nervously looking back. “Well… I… I applied for that musical you told me about few days ago.”

“Oh.” She said. “Well, that’s okay. I thought something more serious was on. That’s cool, Lou. Do you know when the results are up?”

He shook his head. “Few days, I reckon. Maybe a week.”

She squeezed his hand again and smiled at him, showing her pearly white teeth. “You’re gonna smash it, Lou. I just know it.”

Louis smiled shyly. “Hopefully.”

They went to the tills and brought their meals back to the table. As Hannah slowly opened her meal, Louis wondered if the talk was even going to be necessary. They understood each other and there was no pressure. They were good. Maybe he wouldn’t have to ask at all. 

“D’you know what Lauren told me?” Hannah said casually, “You know, Stan’s Lauren? She and Stan had sex over the weekend. She told me Stan was a right idiot through it all.” She laughed, but Louis’ scull was crushing his brain again.

“Oh?” he tried for casual indifference, “Stan told me something about it, yeah. Said it was passable or something.”

Hannah chuckled. “He’s an idiot, I swear. Lauren said he kept fumbling about with the condom that she was scared he might finish without her.”

Louis laughed, but only because the visual was too funny.

“I don’t really get it, y’know?” Hannah continued after they stopped laughing and making jokes at Stan’s expense, “They’ve only been together for like four months? They hardly know each other. I mean, good for them if they like it and wanted to do it, but… I don’t know. For a first time I’d have to be with someone for like a year.”

Louis’ good mood evaporated into thin air suddenly. Hannah was munching on her chips and seemed nonchalant about what she just said. One part of Louis’ brain thought this was the best opener to ask, but the louder part insisted that it was just her way of saying ‘I’m ready too, why haven’t we done it?’.

Louis’ time to speak was suddenly interrupted when Hannah reached for his pile of chips and asked: ”D’you wanna finish those?” He shook his head and pushed them towards her. As he watched her devour his chips, he suddenly just had to know.

“We’re almost a year together.” He spoke quietly. Hannah’s eyes shoot up to him.

“Yeah?”

Louis coughed into his hand nervously. “Well, you said… I mean, we’re together for almost a year so… by that logic, we’d probably already…”

Hannah waved her hand dismissively. “Fuck that, Lou. We’re only sixteen. I mean, yeah sure I want to have sex with you, but…We don’t have to do it just because Stan and Lauren have done it.” She said and stuffed some more chips in her mouth. “I know for you, ‘cause you’re a boy, it seems like everyone’s done it and you’re the only one missing out…”

“No, Hannah…”

“Trust me, they’re all liars. There probably are some of them who have, but not all of them. I’d say 60% of boys our age? There’s no pressure, Lou. We’ve got all the time in the world. We shouldn’t let ourselves be pressured by dickheads who are far too eager and then can’t aim straight.” She ended her little rant and all Louis felt was relief.

They were exactly on the same page. Okay, not _exactly_ exactly on the same page, but she obviously meant not in the near future and bought Louis some more time to figure himself out and get out of this phase.

“I completely understand.” He said, “We’re good as we are.”

Hannah nodded and smiled with her mouth full of chips. Louis laughed and then proceeded to throw his chips at her and they bantered and talked until midnight.

 

~*~

 

Louis got a part in the school musical. The _lead_ part no less. He was absolutely beside himself when he found out. Stan teased him about it, of course, but then pulled him aside before first official rehearsals and told him he’d break any prick’s legs who gave him a hard time because of it. Louis was so grateful for Stan, even though he could be a right prick himself, but it only solidified the support he found in his family (mum especially, bless her), his friend and his girlfriend. Things didn’t seem so scary then.

Louis gave his everything to the show. He practised the routines, memorised his lines and sang the songs until late at night when his mum scolded him for waking up the twins. He messed around with his cast mates, generally having fun all around. Helping with prop making and the set, messing up the choreography just to make his fellow lead laugh…. Louis was glowing and he felt so so happy.

He felt like nothing could top this feeling.

He was buzzing with excitement the mere hour before the opening night. This was his deciding factor, he thought as they waited in the shoebox of a dressing room.

If all goes well with the production, he’ll try out for X-Factor.

 

~*~

_Grease_ went fantastically well. He didn’t like the wolf-whistles when he kissed his Sandy the first time but he got over it quickly. His mum was proudly crying when he met Mark and her in the schoolyard after; and when he told her as they were watching Big Brother in the living room about his decision to apply for X-Factor, he was once again met with wholehearted support and love.

It shouldn’t really surprise him that his mother would always be there to help him and encourage him whatever he set his mind to. She always said he was her best friend. And she was his too. It felt nice to be reminded over and again that he wasn’t alone. He only hoped that once he got his mind around this sex and possibly liking boys stuff that she’d be beside him as well.

 

~*~

 

On the day of his audition, Louis was very nervous but he tried to downplay it. Hannah went with him, as did his mum and Lottie. He kept looking around the outer ground of the arena in Manchester, just looking at people and hearing them sing. They were all so good and he thought his chances were diminishing by each second. A guy with a camera from ITV asked him what he thought were his chances of getting through and he squeaked “five percent if I’m lucky”. He was giving himself too much even with that.

He left his entourage in the queue and he went around for walk. ‘Just to clear my head, mum, don’t worry’ he said to them but he was bricking it.

He applied last year too, but he chickened out last minute and didn’t go. His mum was mad but she understood him. Hannah begged him to promise her to apply again next year or she’ll bite his head off.

And now he was here again.

He messed up his A-Levels and skipped out of school last few months to rehearse and produce music, so this was his last shot at going for something. To find out if he’s really any good at all.

He remembered the thrill of being on stage and singing for a small school theatre full of parents and his classmates. Even if it lasted for just two short hours, he felt like that was what he was meant to do.

As he was walking around, he saw the same guy with a camera that interviewed him now standing in front of another boy. Louis stopped to look at him answering questions. He was far away so he wouldn’t be noticed but close enough to hear a boyish drawl saying ‘‘….it’s quite boring, nothing much happening there, and it’s quite picturesque.” Louis couldn’t help but smile at his charm and smug smile as Dermot was preparing another question for him to make for some quality television.

The boy was curly, with a wide dimpled smile and a green scarf that complimented his grey cardigan and baggy dark grey trousers. He seemed nice and innocent with his big eyes and when he smiled it stretched all over his face. He was quite pretty, Louis thought to himself.

That was also when Lottie came to find him to tell him that the queue was moving and that they’d soon get inside. Louis followed her and repeated the lyrics to ‘Hey There Delilah’ in his head to get in the performance vibe.

After about a half an hour, it was his turn.

He stepped carefully onto the stage, reflectors were brightly shining on him and he stared at the expecting faces of Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Nicole Scherzinger.

He took a deep breath.

 

Walking down the stairs beside the stage he almost tripped and fell on his face. He was shaking and trying to catch his breath but he still couldn’t believe it. It was happening, he was through! They liked him enough to get him to bootcamp!

The first person that came up to him was Hannah who immediately embraced him and shouted in his ear: “I knew it. You were so amazing, Lou! You were so amazing.”

He hugged her tightly back and wished he could forever be this happy and have her as his cheerleader. She was the best.

Everything was just… the best.

 

~*~

 

If Louis thought that auditions were frightening and his chances were close to none, bootcamp soon proved to be more terrifying. While at the auditions there were a lot of those who thought they could sing, at bootcamp all of these people were carefully selected and picked out for their talent. Louis got an ego boost for being one of those people, but it quickly deflated as he heard groups, duos and people signing by themselves.

There was this loud blond boy who kept singing and engaging others to sing with him while he played the guitar. The boy had a slightly amusing Bieber obsession but Louis liked him. He was cheerful and he was brightening everyone’s mood.

He met some other really cool people there. Aiden Grimshaw was one of them, then Matt Cardle, Zayn Malik, he saw that Liam boy who auditioned few years ago and blew everyone away this year. Louis knew he was going through for sure. He had a killer vocal. He heard him sing sometimes by himself in the corridors.

It only spurred Louis to practice more and to joke with others – enjoy it while he could. He didn’t want to delude himself into thinking too much about going to Judges’ Houses (a bit of hope was still there though), so he wanted to take as much of what he was offered as he could.

Right before they were about to film a choreography segment for the show, they had a break. A short one at that so Louis hurried down to the toilets so not to interrupt the filming. If he learned anything from his short filming days it was that time was expensive and repetitions frowned upon in television.

He jumped in the restroom with a spring in his step and after he did his business he quickly opened the tap to wash his hands. It was then that someone walked in and Louis suddenly had a company. Two people actually. A tall blond guy with a flannel shirt and a boy with- _oh God_. Louis did a double take when he saw a mop of curly hair in the mirror. He recognised the face too. He saw him around bootcamp with his big smile and charming eyes that left everyone a little dazed after he spoke to them. It was the same boy he saw on his audition day. Louis suddenly felt very shy and repeatedly washed his hands several times while Harry stood to the urinal close to him and the blond guy far on the other end. The blond guy finished quickly and wiped his hands on his jeans and then went out.

Louis grimaced at that and scolded human kind for not being stricter with personal hygiene in public places. Then he glanced at the curly boy. He knew he was being rude looking at another person while they were standing with their dick out not a foot from him, but he just admired his curls so much. How springy they were. He wondered if the boy used any product to keep them soft. They looked really soft.

Then the boy glanced back and Louis blinked in surprise. Should he say something or ignore him? He should probably get out, he’d been in there too long.

“Hi.” He said dumbly and smiled shyly. The boy looked at him for a second and then stepped towards him with an outstretched hand. Then Louis felt something splash on his feet.

“Oops.” The boy said and quickly stepped back in front of the urinal. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. Erm.”

There was pee on his shoes. Louis couldn’t believe he got peed on. Luckily it was only few drops so they weren’t really visible on his espadrilles but it was still gross. The boy finished his business and then quickly washed his hands next to Louis.

“I’m so sorry about your shoes. I usually don’t pee on people who say hi to me. I was just… I’m Harry.” The boy said and smiled apologetically.

Louis smiled back. “No problem, mate. It hardly got me. Your aim is poor.”

Harry chuckled and pushed his curls back. “I’m still sorry. Let’s start over. Hi, I’m Harry.”

Louis shook his hand. He had big and soft hands, Louis noticed. “I’m Louis. I’ve heard you sing before, y’know.”

Harry’s eyes bulged out in surprise. “Really?” Then he smirked. “And how was I?”

“Not bad. Definitely a star potential. What with the curls and all. A proper boy-next-door look. Your aim is big.”

“Hah, but didn’t you say I aim poorly? What is the truth now?” Harry’s dimple popped menacingly, teasing Louis. He was so charmed.

“The truth is whatever I say it’s the truth. But seriously, you’re really good. Might make it to the final at least.”

Harry’s smirk faded into a shy grin. His eyes were shining under the cheap lights of the restroom. “Thank you.”

Louis waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t mention it. One day when you get famous I can tell people that you peed on me so I can get dates and give exclusives to the paps.” Louis winked playfully.

Harry laughed. “You’re going to milk my fame for all I’m worth? Over one foolish mistake?"

Louis shrugged. “Well, you did pee on me. Revenge is sweet.” He said then smirked. “And profitable.”

Harry laughed and it was the most accomplished Louis felt all day. He was such a bright and easy-going lad that Louis could not but wish that nothing bad ever happened to the kid. He was just… so pure.

Then Harry suggested they should get back and get to the choreography part of the bootcamp and Louis agreed, following him out of the toilet. Before they went back on stage, Louis stopped another contestant who was walking by and asked him if he could take a picture of him and Harry.

“So I can show off to people when you’re famous.”

 

~*~

 

Louis didn’t really believe in fate. Or Karma. Or destiny. All of that was an invention for people to sell something or to explain something weird that they couldn’t figure out. Louis only believed in passion and hard work when it came to things that meant a lot to him.

But as he leaped into Harry’s arms when Simon told them they’re through as a band, he couldn’t help but thank any universal deity for getting him where he was.

He was in a band. _Jesus Christ_.

 

~*~

 

Out of all things Louis thought X-Factor will bring him, he didn’t really think his relationship will struggle so much. He rarely saw Hannah and when he did, he only talked about his last night’s performance and how cool the other lads in the X-Factor house and the band were. Even when he called her during little free time they had between rehearsals, he only mentioned what he was up to.

But Hannah was wonderful through it all. She made signs for the live shows she attended, she listened patiently at him babbling away about something Harry said or what they both did or how tense Liam was when Louis messed up their routine or him complaining for fiftieth time how he again didn’t get any solos. She was… quiet. That was what Louis noticed through his rants.

He might’ve been selfish during those days, but he was only trying to protect himself.

He remembered how things got tense right before he went on X-Factor, but he still felt sorry for them both. She was his girlfriend and he should be missing her so much it hurt or think about her relentlessly instead. He was doing that less and less. He only hoped that they could have a serious conversation after the show was over. Or grow out of this phase. _As quickly as possible._

 

Despite Simon and their vocal coach refusing to give him any solos and bruising his ego quite a bit, he found joy in every single other thing connected to the show. It seemed that they had quite a large following out of the show, and he loved chatting to the groups who came to the X-Factor studios. They seemed to like One Direction and them individually.

Louis quickly got to know them too. He was still unsure about Liam, the kid was too serious about everything and anything, and they argued the most. When Louis got a little too mean, Liam was prone to crying and then Zayn or Harry had to comfort him while Louis cooled down in the garden.

Niall was great. He always had a smile on his face and always cheered everyone up, just by his presence in the room. He constantly carried his guitar around and got people into impromptu sing-alongs.

Zayn was shy and reserved, rarely talking to others and keeping mostly to himself, but when Louis got with him on one-on-one talks on the roof or in the kitchen, he was a right laugh and so smart.

And Harry…

How does one begin to describe a Harry Styles?

Louis has never in his life met someone with whom he so quickly got on. They had a similar sense of humour, same way of thinking about some things, same habits… Harry was funny, charming, intelligent, polite, sarcastic, open minded and… just Harry. He was the whole package. And he seemed to be captivated by Louis. He always wanted to do stuff with him, even if it was playing video games in the common room. He also took Louis’ dares seriously and walked around naked through the house unprompted sometimes.

Louis loved that someone was paying so much attention to him. He loved having a partner in pranking others. He loved having someone to just sit and talk with about anything. But he also loved that Harry never backed away from his hugs or cuddles.

He could easily get into Harry’s bed at arse o’clock in the morning if he was feeling too cold and the lad wouldn’t even bat an eye at that. He was always so welcoming and nurturing.

 

Some day, before fifth week in the X-Factor, Harry and Louis were checking fan responses on Harry’s laptop from their last video diary. Their stomachs and lungs hurt from all the laughing while they watched Louis’ antics with a scarf on his head and bet how much more red Niall’s face could get without bursting. The fans talked about how cute they all were and what an amazing band they make, but they also wondered if Louis and Harry were somehow involved.

“What are they on about? ‘ve seen some similar ones in the last video diary?” Louis wondered out loud, scrolling a bit down. They were lying parallel on Harry’s bed, bundled up in thick blankets and warm joggers. Louis was sipping on his tea and Harry was chewing on some gum he procured from Mary.

“It’s just banter. I mean, of course I like you Harry but… I have a girlfriend. Surely they know that, some of them even tweeted her.”

“I know.” Harry said. “People are strange, I guess. But we are close than most other guys in the band, huh?”

“That still doesn’t mean we’ll marry and live together with twelve adopted kids, Harry.” Louis deadpanned and then switched to search for some new Robbie Williams songs. He thought he might suggest one for them to perform. Harry chuckled next to him and looked at the wall opposite them, thinking about something.

“We could, you know?” Harry said quietly, pulling at the odd thread sticking out of the blanket.

“What? Marry?” Louis laughed and squirmed in his spot so that he almost spilled the tea on the laptop. “Shit.”

“No.” Harry said dully, his tone strange. “We could live together. Some day.”

Louis returned his attention back to him, drinking down leftover tea in his mug and setting it aside. “You’re serious?”

Harry nodded and then smiled shyly. “I know it’s stupid but… But the band might kick off so we might move to London one day. And if we have to get a roommate for our flat, I’d like it to be you.”

“We’re not even halfway through the competition; we might get kicked out this Sunday.” Louis reasoned.

Harry shrugged and looked at Louis, blinking like a puppy. “I know.” He sighed. “Forget I said anything. It’s stupid. You’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“You’ve given this a lot of thought, haven’t you?” Louis asked and shuffled to his side, looking at Harry face to face.

Harry shrugged again. “Maybe. Just last few days. Dunno.”

Louis smiled widely. “Then, of course. I’ll be your roommate. Even if we don’t get far as a band. We might study in a random uni in London. Whatever.”

Harry’s eyes lit up and he smiled so widely. “It’s gonna be so cool, Lou. I’ll clean and do the washing up, and cook. Everything.”

Louis pinched Harry’s cheeks and yelled: “Oh, Harry! I just might marry you!”

Zayn entered their room then and glanced up from the doors. “Fuck, you two are weird.”

The two boys on the top bunk bed simply giggled.

 

Sunday after Sunday, One Direction were smoothly coming closer to the Final. Louis could almost taste the victory. They were so close and it would have been a shame not to give their best and just grab it.

And they got to the Final.

But left as soon as they got in.

One Direction came third on X-Factor in 2010. Now all that was left was to lick their wounds and go home.

 

~*~

 

When Louis got home and separated from the boys for the first time since September, he felt like he lost a limb.

He missed them so much and he wanted to perform with them again, in any form he could. Whether it was in some old pub in the middle of nowhere or in a stadium, he didn’t care. Being on that stage with his boys gave him such a thrill and passion he felt like a junkie on withdrawal for the first week in Doncaster.

He was cold in his old bed, he took aimless long walks, he shivered in the December weather more than usual, and he moped, and complained like never before.

He kept in touch with other boys, of course. He even told Harry that if he got too bored he could spend Christmas with him in Doncaster.

“Or I could come to you, no bother.” He said to him over the phone two weeks into their break. Harry’s bright laugh was dimmed through the line.

“Don’t worry, Lou. We’ll see each other soon. We’ve still got the tour to do.”

Louis sighed. “That’ll be fun, yeah?”

“Of course!” Harry chirped, “Imagine just having thousands of people in front of you, singing along and dancing… We might get to do that on our own someday. Our own One Direction tour.”

Louis scoffed. “If Simon or anyone actually signs us. Simon only signs the winner and I still haven’t had any calls from other labels who watched us. Doubt anyone will want third-place-nobodys.”

“Louuu”, Harry whined on his end of the line, “Don’t be so negative. A lot of people liked us! They voted for us all the way to the Final! That has to mean something, right?”

“Yeah, Yeah. Mr. Brightside.”

Harry started to hum a melody and Louis cracked a smile. “Slip of the tongue. I’ll talk to you later. I have a thing with Hannah. Bye, Harry.”

“Bye, Lou!”

Lou hung up and stared dejectedly at his phone which flickered and then the face of it darkened. Louis threw it on his desk where it clattered sadly against the cheap wood. He had been planning this meeting with Hannah since he got back to Doncaster. It was no use to drag out the inevitable. And he thought Hannah thought the same, but waited for him to approach her first.

They just grew apart, but also Louis felt that he couldn’t keep lying to her about his sex thing.

As much as he liked their puppy love and friendship, he got more restless when their second anniversary approached. That was a month before he got in the X-Factor house.

Hannah got more into everything they were doing; shucking her shirt whenever she could and his too, then she kept inviting Louis to her house when nobody was home and snogged him senseless into the couch in her living room.

It was all making him nervous and ugly. He felt dirty somehow but he couldn’t say outright no. He thought it was expected of them at that point in their relationship but whenever she reached for the zip of his pants he jumped away from her claiming he needed to babysit his sisters or rush to the toilet.

The X-Factor came as a saving grace. Part of him was incredibly relieved that they were apart, but his conscience was eating him because he never explained this to her. He wasn’t even sure if he could explain properly because he didn’t quite understand it himself.

After a prolonged thinking during his long walks around Doncaster he came to the conclusion that he simply didn’t love Hannah anymore or found her attractive to begin with.

The break-up was the best for the both of them.

 

Hannah was surprisingly calm and accepting of his monologue. They were sitting in a park near their secondary, pushing themselves slowly on the swings and talking. Hannah was oddly quiet through the entire thing. Her eyes were sad when she looked at Louis and she played with her fingers.

“And I think we should break-up.” Louis finished lamely and waited for her response. That was probably the most serious talk he ever had with someone without deflecting. For once, he was determined to be serious and spare his lovely friend any waterworks.

“I know.” Hannah said quietly. Then she looked at Louis, and he could see her mind working and he hoped that she didn’t hate him as much. “You like Harry, don’t you?”

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed so much he could feel the wrinkles forming on his forehead. He was fretting she might say something about them not having sex or something, but this was not what he expected. “What does Harry have to do with anything?”

Hannah gave him a ‘don’t play dumb’ look with her signature lip curl. “I saw all the videos on Youtube and the live shows. I’ve even seen you two when I came backstage to say hi. You could’ve told me you were gay, Louis. I wouldn’t make a fuss. It was just stupid to use me as some sort of hetero shield or whatever…”

“Wait, Hannah.” Louis almost shrieked to get her to stop talking, “I’m not gay. I like girls,” _Liar_ , his mind supplied. “I liked you. That’s why I dated you in the first place.” He took a frustrated breath, “Harry and I are friends. There’s nothing going on with us.”

Hannah’s stare was so intense that he worried she would keel over any second. “Okay. I saw all of these videos your fans made and then I saw how touchy and close you were backstage… Never mind, if you say nothing is going on, then I trust you. I just…” her fingers gently grazed his knuckles, “Do you really think we can’t be together anymore?”

“I- I just think we should spend some more time with other people. I’ll probably be busy with the band and the X-Factor tour. I just don’t want you to wait around for me all the time.”

Hannah nodded sadly and then leaned forward and kissed him gently on the cheek. “Good luck then, Lou. Not that you need it.”

 

~*~

 

No sooner did the X-Factor tour finish when the boys of One Direction were summoned to Simon Cowell’s office in London. The news was life-changing. And none of them even knew just how much.

Syco signed a four year contract with them, starting March 2011.

All they needed to do was show the world that X-Factor wasn’t the last of One Direction. They were ready to show just what they’re capable of.

 

~*~

 

Louis thought that once Harry and he moved into their apartment in the Princess Park complex - other boys being few buildings down the road – he would also be finally free to do whatever he liked. It was the first time he lived away from home and he wondered if that was how any freshman in uni felt like. The world was his oyster.

His oyster was soon filled with trash and dirty clothes. He left dirty dishes and used mugs everywhere, his joggers had more holes and food stains than Dalmatians had spots. He was an utterly messy person.

When Harry said he’d be the domestic one, he really wasn’t kidding. The boy was vacuuming at least twice a week, cleaning after Louis (and grumbling at the same time) and he seriously knew how to cook.

Louis demanded eggs Benedict and fajitas at every opportunity but didn’t dare enter Harry’s sacred place in fear he might set the hob on fire just with his presence. Only after Harry’s insistence did he attempt to cook dinner once. He found the simplest recipe for chicken stuffed with mozzarella and it actually turned out okay. Harry was beaming all evening and kept complimenting him. But after he suggested they should cook together now and Harry could teach him some simple things, Louis had to refuse. Like he was going to ruin his chance of tasting Harry’s delicious meals by learning to cook?

 

Soon the boys started on their first album and promo stuff. They were delighted by how much attention they were attracting but it all felt so strange. Louis still felt like a normal boy from Doncaster whenever an interviewer asked them how they cope with all the fame and attention. It just didn’t feel real.

There were some things he loved in the band; like ganging up on Liam and teasing him about everything, then the time in the studio going over songs and forming their first album, travelling around Europe, the UK and shooting first music video in America… And then there were the interviews.

Some were generic and asked about the album, about them, about what they like or dislike, are they single; he could easily mess with them. Then there were the ones where questions got a bit rude. There weren’t many of them, but Louis knew that asking when was the last time he had sex wasn’t on top of the list of appropriate things to ask. They were also only asking what they liked in girls, as if any other alternative didn’t exist.

He wasn’t so keen on exploring his attraction to boys. It was scary being in the limelight in a mostly homophobic world. It was much easier to deflect and joke around, while remaining his flamboyant self in plain sight.

But if Louis was completely honest, he didn’t like the implications that came with being gay: that he was hypersexual and only craved for another man’s dick in any way he could have it.

Turning 19 had given him a big insight. He knew subconsciously that the sex thing was never a phase and that he only distracted himself from thinking about it deeply. Almost all of his Doncaster friends had some experience by then, and the boys in the band also shared their experiences early in their acquaintance (at Harry’s stepdad’s bungalow). He never knew he’d find out about innocent little Harry losing his virginity at the fragile age of fifteen, talking nonchalantly while Louis stabbed marshmallows on his stick.

(Louis half-expected Harry to be like him, he just had that innocent face with the curls. Although Louis knew that someone’s looks had nothing to do with a person’s sexuality - and assuming so was wrong – but he still wished that he could instantly tell how others identified just by looking at them.)

It was deeply engraved into him that you couldn’t have a relationship without sex. Everybody said so. Casual sex with someone you didn’t love was normal, if frowned upon still, but a serious committed relationship without sex was a case for couples’ counselling. He saw movies and TV shows, he even heard his mum talk to her friends that once sex started decreasing in a relationship it was a sign of trouble. God forbid if it never happened! Then it was something seriously wrong with the person not putting out. The only strictly celibate people should be Catholic priests and nuns (and sometimes not even them).

He felt so alone, lost and wrong. He thought for so long that everyone was going along with a joke, only to turn out that they were laughing at him the entire time. He was the only one who didn’t understand the joke.

He wished for a relationship for himself, he loved love. With all the stupid clichés and silliness and complications. He wanted a person for himself.

It didn’t make sense to him how he could easily imagine kissing someone, holding hands with them but once he pictured getting frisky under the sheets his mind had to steer the imagination to stop.

He knew he was attracted to people. He had bloody crushes since his childhood and adolescence.

But how do you have a relationship with someone without sex?

 _You just don’t_ , his mind said. You _don’t_.

 

~*~

 

“Harry, what’s the first thing that pops into your mind when you see someone you like on the street? Like someone you think is fit?”

Harry looked up from the book he was reading. They had a quiet night in their apartment that day. Louis was watching Downtown Abbey in their living room, sprawled across the soft and creaky sofa while Harry was curled in the plump armchair pushed so their armrests touched. They rarely did something like this, having a quiet night doing separate things but still together. Louis liked it.

“Well,” Harry put down his book and pursed his lips in thought, “I think they look cute and given the opportunity I might want to get to know them better. Or I just go ‘woah nice legs’,” He shrugged and blinked at Louis. “Why?”

Louis tried to picture it. He imagined a model walking and her legs elegantly and gracefully moving in even rhythm on the catwalk. Yeah, he can appreciate nice legs too. They were nice, he guessed, for a pair of abstract legs.

“No reason. Just making conversation.” Louis said not looking away from TV. “Anything else?”

“I don’t know. I like a nice bum too. Firmness is the key.” Harry joked.

Louis got confused now. He could understand if someone liked one’s face or even legs (as weird as it was to him still) but bums? Bums had no purpose, they were just… bums. You poop from there, how can they be sexy in any way?

“Do you think everybody likes bums?” He asked. Harry shrugged.

“I know _I_ like them. But then there’s some who like boobs more or hair. I think it’s different for everyone.”

Louis hummed in understanding. He looked at Harry and got captivated by his curls. Like he did every time he looked at his friend. He remembered liking how Hannah’s hair had that special softness and glow sometimes. Maybe he was one of those people who liked hair.

 

Two days later he saw a fan tweet him about what he liked about Harry the most. He was happy he didn’t have to fumble for an answer.

 

Louis’ quiet frustration on realising he couldn’t have a relationship manifested into seeking affection from Harry more and more. He loved having somebody’s attention and he liked to cuddle. He would surprise him with hugs, caress his hair often, and touch him whenever he felt like. And the best part was that Harry completely indulged him.

He would always accommodate himself to press their sides together so Louis can put his arm around Harry or on his thigh, he kept standing close to him and they sat together more often than not.

Louis liked that Harry didn’t make a fuss about it and that he could be his natural cuddly self around his best friend and it not being weird.

He smiled every time someone called them out on their bromance.

They were close and they liked each other’s company. There was nothing else to it.

 

“Some people genuinely believe Harry and I are in a relationship.” He said once in an interview and Harry smiled, leaning on his forearms. Louis chuckled and leaned on Harry’s back.

 

Harry was begging him the entire summer that they go on Leeds festival. Apparently, Harry wanted to go there since he found out who Arctic Monkeys were. Louis couldn’t say no.

He loved festivals too and it was best to go to few before the band really got famous and they couldn’t go anywhere alone.

So they rented a tent, Harry bought sleeping bags, and snacks and beer to last them ten days. They were proper festival-campers. They even bought matching wellies. Harry was the one who dragged him all over the festival grounds to listen to bands he wanted to see live. It was muddy and rain was falling sporadically during the festival and people stopped them several times to take a picture. Some were nice and said they voted them on the X-Factor and some were rude and insulted them.

When he once heard a group of idiots insulting Harry and the band while they were waiting for a band to start performing, he cut right in and gave them a piece of his mind. Harry was on the verge of tears and Louis took him back to their tent.

“I’m sorry, Lou.” He mumbled when they sat down on their sleeping bags. Louis turned on a flashlight he kept on the edge and put it upright so they could see each other. He then opened a bag of chips and offered Harry some. Harry munched happily but kept glancing up at Louis.

“Don’t worry, Hazza. Those idiots were right pricks. You didn’t have to get upset over them.”

Harry sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I know. I just can’t help it. I mean, why don’t they like us? We haven’t done anything to them. We just make music and sing. We’re not bad guys.”

“I know. People sometimes hate for no reason. Maybe they’re jealous because we have fans. A lot of people like us and stop to take a picture. They don’t have that so they lash out. They’re idiots.” Louis said and sat next to Harry to embrace him around the waist. Harry leaned into him and tucked his head under Louis’ chin.

“I’m sorry we missed the rest of The Killers.”

“That’s fine.” Louis said, squeezing Harry’s middle, “They were great though. We’ll see Two Door Cinema Club tomorrow if you want?”

Harry nodded.

“Okay.” Louis kissed the top of Harry’s head and then suggested they at least use this winding down time to get properly sloshed and finish the rest of their beers. Harry agreed and soon enough they were both drunk.

They kept laughing and competed who can stand in the tent the longest without getting dizzy. Harry flopped down on his sleeping bag and smiled lazily.

“You’re the best, Louis. The best.”

Louis laughed and flopped down next to him. They were lying down on their sides, facing each other. Harry grinned widely and reached to touch Louis’ cheek roughly.

“You’re cute too. So cute.”

Louis giggled and went to bite Harry’s finger playfully. Harry squealed and moved back. Louis went after him and started to tickle Harry sloppily. Harry was laughing uproariously.

“No… Louis, stop!” he was smiling and half-heartedly tried to push Louis away. “Ha ha- no!”

Louis leaned back and looked at Harry’s flush face and glistening eyes (he wasn’t sure if it was from the beers or the laughing). Harry looked back at him and smiled softly. Louis was floored. Harry looked so soft and so cuddly. He wanted…

Harry leaned up and kissed Louis. It was brief, almost a peck. But Louis’ chest constricted and he couldn’t breathe. He was staring as Harry lied back on the sleeping bag and tucked himself to sleep.

“Night, Lou.”

It took Louis a long time to start moving again and to get in his own sleeping bag. He fell asleep once he heard Harry’s soft snores.

They didn’t mention the kiss the next day. Louis faked a headache and said he didn’t remember anything and Harry went along with it. Louis convinced himself that it was just a dream his drunken brain complied together because Harry was close and he felt lonely that night.

 

~*~

 

New season of X-Factor brought a new person in Louis’ life.

Every time he and Harry sat down on a free Saturday night to watch the show, Harry kept rambling how fit Caroline Flack was. Louis was amused the first ten times he was told this because, well, Caroline was good twenty years older than Harry and it was funny to rile him up about ‘dating older women’.

“You’re a dick.” Harry told him when Louis hit with another one of his jokes.

“You’re just easy, Harold,” Louis said. “I don’t know why you’re so fascinated by her anyway. Can’t you find someone your own age who doesn’t like knitting in their spare time?”

“She’s not that old.” Harry grumbled.

“She’s old enough to be your mum, Harry. And you’re not even legal yet.”

Harry turned to him, smirking. He had that mischief in his eye. “Are you jealous, Louis?”

Louis scoffed. “Of who? That old bird? Please.”

“I still love you the most, Lou.” Harry said in the most obnoxious voice. “You’re still my darling, my most precious duck. My lambkin.”

“Lambkin?”

“It’s from Shakespeare.” Harry explained.

Louis chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. “I’m not jealous.”

Harry grinned and threw himself at Louis, pressing kisses all over his face. “Of course you’re not, my precious lambkin!”

 

~*~

 

It all became too much once Harry was photographed sneaking out of Caroline’s place in the early morning.

Both rags and interviewers tried so hard to portray him as a womanizer and heartbreaker. But management didn’t do anything to stop them, instead encouraging them with more false material. When one morning Louis saw a headline with ‘Harry slept with more than 300 women in a year’ he finally cracked.

“You have to stop them from writing all that shit,” he yelled at their manager Will on the phone. “They’re all spreading lies about Harry and he’s crying himself to sleep every day this week! This has to stop!”

Their manager mumbled, said he was sorry but the sales depended on Harry’s image. He was the face that sold despite them being a band. They needed someone to make girls want to change him and fulfil their fantasies. More ‘can’t be tied down stories sell more albums’.

Louis slammed his iPhone on the coffee table in the living room and kicked the table too. He was so mad and most of all he felt betrayed. That was their own management, they were supposed to have their backs and make sure their album sells. Louis seemed to realise the need to ensure their album sells outweighed any dignity in the world.

He tried to act as a buffer for Harry. Whenever an interviewer tried to ask about his conquests or about his love for older women, Louis would butt in with a joke or try to redirect the interviewer’s attention on himself. He hated to see Harry’s smile falling every time Caroline was mentioned or other women he was quickly linked with. He tried to protect his friend in any way he could. Harry didn’t deserve any of it.

Nobody did.

For Louis the assumptions were the worst. Because Harry was in a famous boyband and he was the most charming and likeable out of all of them, he must be a ladies’ man. He must be obnoxiously straight and fit the norm.

He must, he must.

 

Right when they were about to head down to Australia from LA and do some shows and promotion for the album, Harry popped into Louis’ hotel room.

“Can I talk to you?” he asked shyly. Louis put away his keyboard and shut down his laptop before he stood in front of Harry, putting his hands on his upper arms.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Will be. After we talk.” Harry said and Louis closed and locked the door behind him. In case anything happened he wanted them undisturbed. They sat on the bed, Harry curling in himself and leaning against the headboard. Louis sat opposite, sitting Indian style and peered softly at Harry, projecting warmth and happiness and support. He hoped it was nothing serious.

“I have to tell you something,” Harry started. “About me. Uhm… I’ve kept it a secret from you and from the other lads because I didn’t know how you’d react. Or if it might change some things, but… I- I can’t. I have to tell someone.”

“Okay, Harry. I’m here.” Louis said, reaching out to gently rub at Harry’s ankles. “I’m right here. I won’t judge.”

Harry inhaled deeply before he glanced at Louis and blurted: “I’m gay.”

Louis leaned forward. “Come again?”

“I’m gay.” Harry said, his voice shaky but clear. “I like men. I want to- to date boys and…”

“Yeah, okay. I know what gay means.” Louis chuckled but then sobered when he saw how nervous Harry was. “Harry. It’s okay. You know I won’t hate you for being who you are? You’re my best mate. I’d love you whether you liked to kiss boys, girls or llamas. I don’t care.”

Harry’s eyes brightened. “You’re okay with this? But…”

“But what?”

“You… When we kissed at Leeds.” He paused to see Louis’ reaction. Louis’ heart sped up but his face remained neutral. “You acted like nothing happened, saying we drank too much, and… I thought you were disgusted so much that it’d be better if we never mention it.”

“I wasn’t disgusted. It just- it just felt really awkward. We’re friends, Haz. Best friends don’t kiss.”

“It wasn’t even a real kiss.” Harry murmured under his breath. Louis rolled his eyes.

“It was just weird for me! We’ve never done that before and I was scared it might ruin our friendship.” Louis protested.

“But it didn’t.” Harry said mildly. “We’re still pals.”

Louis grinned. “That we are, pal.” He sighed and then patted Harry’s socked foot. “So, you’re really gay?”

Harry nodded and leaned his chin against his knees, looking like an innocent and fragile school child. “I mean… I’d describe myself more as fluid. Or bisexual, since I do fancy girls too. But I lean more towards boys.”

“Then,” Louis said seriously. “I guess it’s my duty as a best mate to set you up and protect you from both girls and boys. My, that’s a lot of work. Couldn’t you just fancy lamps instead? They’re easier to fight.”

Harry grinned and shook his head.

“Okay,” Louis said and then looked at his keyboard on the other side of the bed. “If you don’t have any more life changing secrets, can I play you something? I practiced a lot lately.”

Harry nodded enthusiastically and jumped from Louis’ bed to get tissues from the ensuite. Louis watched him walk with a skip in his step.

He wished he could tell him how that small kiss shook his entire world. How every time he looked at him floor was swept from under his feet. He wished he could tell Harry that he liked him more than a friend. He could at least admit in his head now that he liked boys; that the feelings he had for Harry were different than what he felt for Hannah. It was much stronger, more complex and… it was just more. He could almost admit that he was slowly falling in love with him, but going into that was much more scarier than admitting he was gay to himself. He needed more time.

 

He was happy Harry was brave enough to tell someone his secret. He was happier that it was him Harry chose to tell. But he couldn’t really help thinking how this young seventeen year old had his head more together than Louis. And how this same boy knew exactly who he wanted and what he wanted without a difficulty to verbalize it.

Louis wished he could do that. He wished he could tell Harry ‘me too’, ‘I like boys too’. But it was still a farfetched dream. He knew he could talk to Harry or maybe Zayn about his dilemmas and problems but they didn’t feel that important and real. Not when he had to worry about the tour, about his mum alone with the girls, about their album flopping or topping the charts, about making the second album…

Who cared about who Louis fancied? It’s not like he could date anyone either way. 

 

~*~

 

He met Eleanor Calder the first time in the summer of 2011. It was right before he and Harry went to Leeds, and he didn’t really think much about it. She was a nice girl, if a little too sassy and with an obsession with Starbucks. Louis liked her enough to ask her out to some group dates with Liam and his girlfriend and some of his Doncaster friends. They went out, had fun and that was that. Louis didn’t trouble himself too much with how it will progress. He just met a new friend.

Eleanor’s dad was an acquaintance of some of Louis’ managers and soon Louis found himself in an indirect order to fake a relationship to promote sales as well. He refused at first, but once he was confronted with ‘Larry Stylinson’ and ‘think how much damage this will bring to the band’ talk, he quickly obliged.

He wasn’t ready to be out yet and he thought he could use the safety of fake relationship to take time to explore himself and research more. The management ensured him that he’d only have to do the minimum, not too much PDA and only enough to keep the story going. Louis didn’t like to lie and he hated that he was serving this to the public while trying to protect himself and the band.

But he wasn’t Harry. He couldn’t just come out gradually to everyone they knew in the matter of few months. He wasn’t that brave. It wasn’t even brave of their management who were petrified if the news got to the public and shattered their constructed image of him. When Harry asked if he could publicly come out, they firmly said no. He got the same ‘Larry Stylinson’ talk as Louis and in the end agreed to be in the closet for the time being.

“To help the band. It’s only temporary, right?”

At least management didn’t force the two of them to stop being friends in public. But whenever Louis was asked about his relationship status, he always had to talk about Eleanor.

So far, so good.

 

The band recorded their second album while they were on the road, touring different places. The bosses were already planning an arena tour for the entire next year. Arena tour! Louis could already picture masses of people coming to their shows. That year was actually the first proper time they performed in America which made Louis nervous.

American music market was massive and actually succeeding there was a big feat. It took a lot of guts and a lot of promotion with great team. He hoped the music they’ve done was enough to attract a new public, but their team planned and organised a bunch of different things for them to do over the summer. As a backup if music doesn’t sell, they claimed. Louis was honestly fed up with them already.

They were an opening act for Big Time Rush during their shows in America and Canada, and the guys from the band were so great and a right laugh. Louis got the most on with Carlos and James who showed him skateboarding among other things.

After Harry came out to Louis, and at that time Louis was the only one who knew in the band and their team, they had a few shows in Australia and New Zealand.

Two nights into their stay in Sydney, Louis and Zayn ran off in the city to have an adventure. They roamed about, running when people recognised them and finally they found themselves on some roof God knows where. Zayn brought a spliff with them and they shared between themselves.

“Can you believe this is our life?” Louis said, looking at the sky without stars. “Two years ago I was sitting in a Maths class learning _Grease_ lyrics under my desk. And now…. Woah!”

Zayn was grinning next to him. “D’you want to stay in the band forever? Recording music, messing around on stage with the lads?”

“What are you saying?” Louis asked and then breathed in the smoke from the joint. He tried to exhale little circles but he wasn’t as good as Zayn.

“I mean, things can change. Now we’re trying to reach a certain demographic and all…” Weed made Zayn use big words more often while Louis struggled with staying in focus on his best days. He envied him so much. Zayn was so effortlessly cool.

“But maybe we could start making some hardcore songs. Maybe for the third album. Maybe we’ll get a bit more artistic freedom. God knows how much money we’re bringing them now. Maybe we’d put out music we like once they get enough from us.”

“You don’t like the music we make now?”

“Well, I do… It’s okay. But I’m just thinking maybe we could branch out a little in the future. Maybe after the arena tour next year?”

“So, you’re asking me if I’d want to write with you? Next year?”

Zayn nodded, finishing the spliff and tossing it to the side. Louis smiled and raised his hand for a fist bump. Zayn bumped his knuckles happily and then they leaned back to look at the light polluted night sky.

 

When they were in New Zealand, Louis convinced Harry to go out. Harry was finally legal enough to buy his own drinks and Louis wanted to celebrate his coming out. He wanted to see if he could successfully make Harry pull someone, just to make himself ignore the ache in his chest and see Harry living up to his potential when Louis couldn’t.

They were ordering beer after beer, mixing shots as well, but Harry wouldn’t leave Louis’ side all night. Louis nudged him in the direction of few potential men but Harry stayed put. He explained that he wasn’t feeling it tonight and that there was nobody interesting at the place they were at. Louis understood and then bought them another round.

“Louis,” Harry slurred and looked at Louis seriously as any drunk could manage without looking completely stupid. “Have you ever wished or fantasized about being with a guy?”

Louis gripped his beer bottle and felt cold all of a sudden. “Eh, what?”

“I wonder if everybody is straight as they claim to be or there’s a flexbl- flexiblty,” he paused to burp. “Flexibility in everybody. So, have you?”

Louis considered his next words carefully. “If you ask me if I found another guy fit, then yeah, I guess. If someone’s fit, they’re fit. Doesn’t matter if they’re a guy or a bird.”

Harry smiled winningly and his eyes sparkled. He reached for Louis’ beer and drank a sip. When he put the bottle down, he looked curiously at Louis.

“Y’know, I never really understood you and Hannah. It was like you were dating but you weren’t really dating.” Harry said, playing with the beer label and scratching it off. He shrugged and pursed his bottom lip in thought.

“Would you kiss a guy, Louis? If you thought he was fit?”

Louis’ eyes travelled from obviously drunk Harry to the bottle he was holding still on the counter. Harry raised a finger at him.

“Now, don’t lie to me, Louis! I can tell when you lie!”

“Harry, I-“

“D’you think I’m fit?” Harry mumbled, leaning towards Louis. They were so close and if anyone were to see them right now it would be hard to explain it rationally.

“Harry, you’re drunk.” Louis said quietly and Harry frowned. Louis turned to get up from the barstool and Harry pulled him back.

“When you were with Hannah, I was so jealous of her. Like… she always kept you on your phone and she always wanted to talk to you after the X-Factor finished… and I just wanted you for myself all the time.” Harry said in his drunken honesty. “You were weird around her towards the end and I was so happy because you were with me constantly. And then I thought that maybe you like boys, like me, and she was just a someone you had to prove yourself you’re straight. Which is stupid, ‘cause you like who you like…”

Louis almost choked on his tongue.

“And now you’re with Eleanor. I just wondered… You wouldn’t lie to me or hide things from me, Louis? You’d tell me things, right?”

Louis nodded lamely and then turned around to go to the toilet to catch a breath. Harry reached for him from behind and put a hand across his chest before kissing his cheek gently.

“I love you, Lou.” He whispered.

Normally, Louis wouldn’t make a fuss about Harry saying those words; they’ve been telling each other that for a long time now. But it was different this time. It was a combination of Harry’s suspicions and drunken confession that told Louis he needed to put his straight charade into full swing if he were going to be in the band without anyone learning his secrets.

He couldn’t be more relieved when their manager Will phoned them the next day and told them their little moment in Wellington got recorded by fans but the footage was so grainy that it couldn’t properly be seen. He also instructed them to keep their closeness to minimum and arranged Eleanor’s flights to wherever they were in the world during the summer.

 

After their Up All Night tour finished, they had a busy summer trying to finish the album and chose singles. They also appeared on the bloody Olympic Games Closing Ceremony which Louis will never ever let anyone forget. Their little band performed alongside some of British legends at one of the most broadcasted sport games ever. He would surely never ever forget that.

Another unforgettable thing was that he moved out of his and Harry’s apartment soon after they came back to the UK. Harry tried to get him to stay. He reasoned that he didn’t care about the public opinion and that the band was successful enough to shade any rumours or fan stories. Louis tried to explain that it was time they got a break from each other, to do other stuff and that he’d hate to be the third wheel if Harry met someone he’d like to date.

“I’m too busy with the band to even breathe, Louis. How am I supposed to find someone to actually date. While in the closet. Or did you forget that?”

Louis sympathised with him. But he couldn’t tell him that he just wanted to distance himself from Harry. Just for a while.

Truth be told, Louis was already in love with Harry. He was aware subconsciously that Harry might have feelings for him too. But he didn’t want to drag Harry into a relationship which wouldn’t make a lot of sense. It was the whole sex thing Louis still didn’t figure out. He thought that before he entered a serious relationship that meant something, he needed to figure himself out and what it meant for him. Louis didn’t want to break Harry’s heart prematurely and without proper explanations.

Harry was too good for him and didn’t deserve to be dragged into Louis’ mess. Louis needed Harry to find someone else, to be with someone else. And he could happily pretend to be excited for him.

So Louis moved out, got a house with a big backyard and he bought a dog soon after and named him Bruce. He just needed a clean start.

 

~*~

 

2013 was a learning year for Louis Tomlinson.

He found that he didn’t really mind tattoos on his body as he thought. He enjoyed occasional smoke when he was out and with Zayn on the bus1. He got really into comic books and superheroes after few talks with Zayn and bought a giant Spiderman statue for his backyard. He got rid of braces and bright coloured pants and switched them for Adidas joggers and Vans shoes. He wanted to get rid of the fake too loud persona he adopted as a coping mechanism, and the new version of Louis had just as big presence but with a more subdued and broody edge.

Liam asked him for some writing sessions and they worked together, tossing around ideas. Julian introduced them to Ryan Tedder one day when he was in the studio and a song sprouted from them hanging out together. He liked that the team wanted to go for a ‘rockier’ sound and that the label agreed.

Louis also spent more time writing alone but most of them were silly ballads and more emo than what they were going for. He was just playing around with everything.

Of course, there was still the deal with Eleanor which he only half-heartedly played up. He gave the assistant to his manager the control over his Twitter and Instagram to post whatever to keep the Eleanor charade alive. While he secretly tried to distance himself from it all. The friendliness with Eleanor soon turned into a mutual dislike and he couldn’t wait to get out of it.

 

He noticed that Harry got a bigger crowd of people he surrounded himself with. With Nick Grimshaw as the ring leader.

Louis tried to pretend he wasn’t hurt too much seeing Harry spending more time with Nick and his giggly group of famous hipsters, but he also knew that Harry was sad about him moving out more than he let on. Even though they were still friends and the band was working well enough, they drifted apart. But Louis still thought about him a lot. Even when he was lying all alone in his house on their days off.

During the Take Me Home tour he caught himself looking at Harry or Harry’s side of the stage more than he would admit. He missed him and how easy the friendship was. Sometimes he even pretended that he wasn’t as messed up and that he could be the one for Harry.

(He wondered if Harry and Nick were secretly dating so he forced Niall to ask him who confirmed they weren’t)

When he found out that Harry set up a publishing company, he got an idea as well. He knew the band won’t last forever and he needed to make a backup plan if anything happened. He thought of how nice it would be to have a platform like X-Factor – to give people chances to prove themselves and change their life like it changed Louis’.

So he started his own media company – 78 Productions Limited – with the help of Simon and Sony which he hoped will grow into a record label. While he was doing all of that – from football, tour, Eleanor obligations, writing songs and pining over Harry – he completely neglected the sole reason he wanted a clean start.

 

 

“Hey, what if we wrote a song about sex?” Liam asked one day while they were trying out stuff in the lounge of the tour bus. Niall was out playing basketball with Josh, Zayn was somewhere sleeping and Harry was out somewhere with the boys from 5 Seconds of Summer. So it was only Louis and Liam together which meant impromptu songwriting sessions.

Louis scrunched his nose in distaste. “Why?”

Liam looked at him as if he was just waiting for the question. “Why not? I mean I know we play a certain kind of pop but I was thinking since we’re already trying out different things with this one…and I got to produce a bit… maybe we can spice it up. Nobody will expect it!” Liam ranted excitedly and sat in front of his laptop with ideas bubbling in his head before Louis got to say anything.

“Liam, we still need to wrap it up nicely. We can’t get an EXPLICIT tag on the album. The sales in the US alone will drop so low that we’ll be able to skydive.”

Liam pouted. “You’re saying no?”

Louis sighed. “I’m not saying no. We have to talk to Julian and Jamie. If they-”

“Since when do you ask them for a song idea? Usually we just write stuff and then ask later.” Liam said petulantly. Louis knew this was a dog with a bone kind of situation.

“I’m just saying that… I don’t know what I’m saying.” Louis grunted. “Do we really have to write about sex? Love songs sell pretty good too. We’re good at that.”

“But it’s done already. We’ve made like hundred love songs over the last three years. We’ve overused every cheesy line in the dictionary. I want something new.” Liam explained and tapped randomly at his mousepad.

“Fine.” Louis sighed exasperatedly. “I think we can wrap it nicely, use obvious metaphors and all. It’ll be fun.”

Liam jumped excitedly and almost dropped his laptop on the floor. Louis counted it as a small victory.

Two days later Little White Lies was born.

 

It was after that writing session that Louis finally took matters into his hands and googled all day. They had a bigger break before their North American leg of the tour and he knew it was time to finally bite the bullet.

He reasoned that out of seven billion people on the planet there surely had to be others who thought the same.

Turned out he was right.

He googled many stuff before he found the AVEN website and just reading the welcome information set a big weight off his shoulder. He found his people! The gripping lonely feeling was sent home and Louis breathed easily for the first time in his life. He wasn’t weird. He wasn’t being fussy or complicated.

It was okay. It was going to be okay.

He spent the entire afternoon searching for all the information and other people’s experiences just to see the difference in how people felt attraction. He was still a bit confused how romantic and sexual attraction were different because he spent almost all his life thinking it was the same thing and how when he thought someone was fit was actually completely different than what other people were thinking.

He cried a little. He won’t deny it.

When he was on about twentieth page on AVEN forums and he read about people still being in relationships (even marriages with children!) despite one or both partners being asexual, the dam broke and he allowed himself a big fat cry right in front of his laptop in his empty bedroom.

Although he was alone, he wasn’t feeling so lonely anymore.

 

~*~

 

Few months later, he tattooed a triangle on his ankle. He was never a jewellery man and he thought it wouldn’t be subtle if he started wearing a black ring. So he picked a simple card suit band in the tattoo parlour in LA and placed the heart right next to his pulse point on his hand.

 

He was curious what their fans thought about everything, about him. Large group was active on Tumblr and he made a blog in a spur of the moment when his curiosity got too much. He knew a lot of them would be supportive of him and his identity but it was one thing to know and another to actually see.

They latched pretty quickly on the gay, which he guessed was much more obvious than the ace. He followed few of the asexual fans too. He wanted to see how they cope with judgemental people and no understanding for aro and ace spectrum.

Soon he grew so attached to them. He sent them nice messages on bad days, asked them about their friends and jobs, and sometimes about their identities if he didn’t understand what it was. It surprised him how nice they were and quick to inform people about these things.

He might’ve fallen a bit in love with all of them.  

He understood the importance of community then. How even a small group of people could brighten your day because you knew they had the same struggles and you had someone to talk to if you ever doubted yourself. He read their stories, he dropped a few anonymous hints about himself but they weren’t that trusting. His stunt with Eleanor proved that you had to scrutinise every move the band made.

He felt proud of them and by extent himself too.

After just a month of interacting, he felt closer to them. They were a team.

 

“Hey, can I play something for you guys?” Harry said one day in the recording studio right before they were wrapping things up with the album. They still had to perfect some songs, but the album was almost finished. They were all sitting in the studio with Julian and Jamie, mostly talking shit and discussing football than actually working but it was what it was. Then Harry came in with buzzing nerves and that request.

“Sure.” Louis was the first to say. Harry glanced at him and bit his lip. Louis was still mesmerised how Harry changed in the last year. His hair was no longer a bush of soft curls but he stylized it by pushing his hair back which elongated his beautiful face. It was more defined too. Gone was the baby fat and instead a sharp jaw appeared with amazing cheekbones. He was taller and more slim; Louis noticed him spending more time with their personal trainer (something Louis still refused to do). And he especially noticed his change in wardrobe. He looked more comfortable with himself when he was in his skinny jeans and a simple T-shirt rather than preppy blazers, stiff shirts and grandpa trousers. Louis loved it.

Or he simply loved Harry.

Louis struggled with himself about that a lot during his research and discovery time. He sometimes felt that he was too caught up in Harry and their touchy friendship that he deluded himself to believe he was in love. Out of desperation to feel something, to project his loneliness or something else – he wasn’t sure.

He loved Harry but was it the deep romantic love he listened so much about growing up he didn’t know. He didn’t dare to put himself out just yet. The learning process for him wasn’t over and he needed more time to adapt to what he knew about himself. It still wouldn’t be fair to pursue anything if he wasn’t sure.

Harry picked up Niall’s guitar and sat on the rotating chair in front all of them. He simply picked at the strings to get familiar with it and its sound, and then he started to play. It was a faster melody, verging on folky sound. And Harry started to sing.

It had longing lyrics; about wanting to be with someone while they were with someone else, and desperation not even caring what others thought. Louis liked it.

When Harry finished and put the guitar away, he turned expectantly to others. Julian was nodding, Liam and Niall were looking at each other with approving smiles, and Zayn was softly looking at Harry from his corner.

“That’s good. I think that’s what we’re missing. We can replace it with Can’t Let Her Go.” Julian said and ruffled Harry’s hair affectionately. “You’re great, Styles. What’s the song called?”

“Happily.” Harry answered with a private smile

“When did you write that?” Liam asked and crossed his arms on his chest. “Why did you wait to show us this long?”

Harry played with his bottom lip. “I didn’t know. At first I didn’t want to show you because I thought it was wrong for this album, and I kept it in my song journal for so long. Like I wrote snippets since January and then when we were in Stockholm… You know that big park I showed you pictures of? With the open space and benches and little picnic tables. Oh, that was really lovely. And nothing like at home-“

“Get to the point.” Jamie said exasperatedly and busied himself with his phone. Louis glared at him.

Harry pouted. “Well, I wrote it in the park in Stockholm. It was something that was a part of me for a long time. And it just poured out.”

Louis smiled. He knew how Harry was feeling. “Now everyone will hear it.” He said softly and then they were looking at each other. Harry nodded slowly and they shared a smile.

“Do you know what it’s about?” Harry asked, but kept his eyes on Louis. Louis shrugged. “You wanting freedom to express yourself? Because I know you’ve been nagging Will and other managers to let you come out. Is it because of Nick-“

Harry shook his head. “No. I- no, it’s not about Nick.”

Louis nodded. And then Julian clapped his hands for them to start working on Harry’s song.

When the studio time was over, Louis stalled behind to wait for Harry. He wanted to talk to him about the song and some other stuff as well. Harry was carrying his messenger bag and right before he closed the door, Louis blocked it with his hand.

“Harry.”

Harry looked at him in surprise. “Hi, Lou.”

They stood in the hallway, looking at each other and then Louis laughed. “Julian messed up your hair pretty badly. Let me-“

He pushed back the few odd strands that were sticking out and smoothed out the sides. Harry was blinking at him with a deep red flush to his cheeks. Louis smiled at him and patted his arm.

“There. Now you can go charm people’s pants left and right again.”

Harry chuckled and shuffled with his feet. “How are you, Lou?”

Louis shrugged. “Better, I guess. Songwriting is therapeutical. Helps dealing with stuff, yeah?”

Harry smiled. “You look better, though. Changing the clothes and tattoos…” He looked from Louis’ feet to his fringe. “I miss the braces though.”

Louis laughed. “Well, we can’t stick to old forever. Sometimes we have to grow and adapt, young Harold. World is a changing.”

Harry smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I guess. I just wish…sometimes the old is not so bad.”

Louis sensed the unspoken meaning behind it. _I wish we were the same_. His heart clenched sadly in his chest when he saw the sad tilt to Harry’s mouth.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Then Harry glanced at the end of the hallway and shrugged. “I guess I better be going. Errands to run and stuff.”

Louis nodded and stepped to the side. “Yeah, yeah. Go on. See you.”

“See you, Lou.” Harry said and in long strides disappeared behind the corner. Louis stood there thinking. Harry was so strong and beautiful; he carried himself with such grace and took care of everyone he loved. Louis cherished them for what they were and he knew they needed this to discover and grow as individuals. And Louis was completely ready that if Harry showed any sign that he still felt the same after all this time, he’d kiss his face and never let go.

Few days later he wrote Strong.

 

~*~

 

After a constructive advice from some of the people he was following on Tumblr, he decided for a soft coming out to his band members. He was nowhere near ready for a full coming out but he also wanted to know how they’ll accept it or talk about it. He just wanted a glimpse into what it’d be like if he finally decided to fully come out.

It was only him, Zayn and Liam in the hotel room in Australia. He was grateful for Zayn’s presence because Liam could get a bit hot-headed and heteronormative.

“Uhm, lads, can I ask you something?” he started a bit timidly and they looked at each other in alarm. “It’s nothing serious, I swear. I was just reading the other day and came across an interesting thing. Uhm, do you think that people can live without sex?”

“Sure,” Liam said quickly and Louis’ heart soared. “Like the Pope and few nuns out there.”

Louis’ heart got back in his chest after that declaration. “No, but I mean. Ordinary people. Without religion butting in. People like you and me.”

Liam laughed. “That’s not really possible. Sex is like… I don’t know- going without food for few days.”

“We need food to survive, Liam. Sex is hardly necessary for survival.” Louis countered. Liam frowned and leaned on the back of the sofa, looking at Louis and Zayn who were lying on the king-sized bed.

“Well, if you’re aiming for a relationship then I don’t think you can avoid it. Everybody has sex.”

“But do you think, theoretically, that there are some people in relationships who might never have had sex with each other?”

“What kind of relationship is that? Unless they wait for marriage, then I could understand.”

“But what if they are married but still never have sex.”

Liam laughed. “Then something is seriously wrong. Either that or they’re super intelligent like Sheldon.”

Liam grimaced at that. Sheldon was an awful example and he wasn’t in the mood for discussion how the writers massacred what could’ve been a brilliant representation if they only gave him a chance.

“I think it’s possible.” Zayn added sleepily next to Louis. “If people can have sex without falling in love, theoretically there are people in relationships who never have sex. Who are we to know what others are comfortable with? There are some things Perrie and I don’t do but others enjoy it. It’s all up to individual.”

Louis almost cried of joy when he heard Zayn’s lazy slurring.

“Yeah. I agree. It’s up to individuals.” He said and turned back to Liam. “How would you react if let’s say _I_ tell you that I’ve never had sex and I’m in a committed relationship.”

Liam shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d think you’re missing out on something, but… now that Zayn said this, I don’t think its right for me to tell you or anyone how to live. It’d be kind of hypocritical, right?”

Louis nodded and relaxed into the soft sheets.

“But I don’t see why anyone would want that.” Liam added thoughtfully.

“Maybe _you_ don’t. They do.” Louis said and laid down on his side to nap a bit too. He saw Liam shrugging and picking up the remote before jumping up to sit on the sofa and watch cartoons.

Louis was so thankful for his friends. They were conditioned by media and society to think a certain way and he couldn’t really blame them for thinking it was a bit weird, because he too thought for a long time _he_ was weird for thinking that way. It’d have been better if he had good representation in the media so it wouldn’t seem like such a novelty and radical behaviour.

He decided that at least this part of his coming out could wait. He could tell them he was gay (they’ve wonderfully accepted Harry and passionately defended him against any nosy and rude people so Louis wasn’t scared they’d turn against him).

In the end, he wasn’t obliged to come out to anyone if he so decided. Louis existed on his own terms and them knowing he was both asexual and gay didn’t change anything who Louis was. His asexuality only affected his relationships and only people he was dating would have to be aware of it, while the fact the gender of people he was dating changed a lot more things.

While the world was still in its diapers when it came to equality and acceptance of all sexualities and gender identities, it was still easier to explain that he was gay rather than what being asexual means for him.

He could deal with people knowing he was gay and that they wouldn’t (hopefully) ask too personal questions he didn’t know the answer to. He could keep his asexuality for himself and his future partners.

And that would be enough for the time being.

 

~*~

 

Standing in the oval room on the set of their music video for Story of My Life, Louis wistfully looked at pictures of his childhood and adolescence mixed with the others. It was amazing to him how similar their lives have been, how they “practically lived in sync” as Liam said.

Despite how miserable he felt at times growing up, he was grateful for everything that happened – for every lesson, every bruise and every smile he received – it just piled up into who he was today.

There were two sides that defined him and each had its own complications in the eyes of the world, but he still wanted to show he’s proud of who he was now. That he was not a scared little boy he had been at the beginning of it all. He could take whatever they threw at him.

But because he was still under his original contract with the management, it was still a secret. But Louis did everything that it would be the loudest secret his fans ever knew.

He thought about Strong sitting on their album, waiting to be listened by them and everyone else. They were his most powerful support system and he wanted to thank them in some way. It was sort of dedicated to them, but mostly to Harry.  

He saw Harry talking to Ben about something on the other end of the room. Then he looked to the side and spotted Louis, waving at him and then making excuses to Ben. He strolled towards Louis with a small smile on his face.

“I see a dumb picture of Liam over there.” Louis said when he stood next to him. Harry looked at where he was pointing and chuckled.

“Cute arm bands.” Harry commented.

Louis hummed in agreement. They were silent for a while, just looking around the set. Ben’s team really outdone themselves. He thought that they might get Ben to direct every video from now on. He’d be great.

“Listen, I- I wanted to talk to you about what you said yesterday.” Harry started, his face turning serious.

“I said a lot of things yesterday, love,” Louis teased. “You have to be specific.”

Harry cleared his throat. “The thing about you- when you came out to the lads and me, and then the management in the meeting we had.”

Louis quirked an eyebrow. “Any problem with that, Harold?”

Harry shook his head. “No, no. No, it’s brilliant. Really. I’m proud of you.” Harry gave him a dimpled smile. “I just wanted to tell you that – from one gay man to another –“ Louis giggled at that and Harry cracked too. “Well, I just wanted to tell you that if you ever need to talk about anything, you can come to me.”

Louis scratched his chin, pretending he was deeply thinking. “I’ll think about it. Since you’re all so experienced and mature than me.”

“You might be older in years, but I’ve been out there, Lou. I’ve _seen_ things.” Harry grumbled deeply in mock exaggeration. “You won’t believe what men get up to these days. It’s frightening.”

Louis laughed. “Really? And pray tell, what do they do?”

Harry shook his head. “Oh, young Louis. There’s a whole new world out there just waiting for you.”

Louis nodded. And he couldn’t agree more.

 

He broke up with Eleanor on New Year’s Eve and broke that part of his contract with the management, paying a £500,000 fine. He didn’t want to lie anymore.

 

~*~

 

 

It was the first show of their _Where We Are_ tour. They had a nice longer break before it and rehearsed like the pros they were, but Harry missed it. There was no rush as when you stepped on the stage and the adrenaline kicked in. To sing and dance or just stand in front of a crowd was exhilarating and he loved it so much.

Of course the longer break also meant seeing other lads less. Harry spent most part on the line London – LA – Holmes Chapel than ever before. He was trying out some stuff, writing for other people. Ariana Grande seemed to like his lyrics and Meaghan Trainor was looking for something new from him too. He liked that he could branch out and get some songs out that might never got to be released as One Direction music.

But if the success of Midnight Memories told anything, it was that changing up their sound and getting more involved was not just accepted but welcomed as well.

Then as he was soaking up the atmosphere and backstage excitement, he caught movement at the side of the stage. There was Louis, standing quite close to a new member of their touring crew – a microphone tech guy, Harry didn’t remember his name – and he was smiling while the man was showing him something on his mic. Louis was nodding and when the guy asked if anything was alright, Louis smiled and winked at him blatantly flirtatious. Harry was stunned. He distinctly remembered Louis telling him and the band he’d be single and that he still needed some things to figure out so it won’t do him good if they start playing wingman whenever they went out. Harry stupidly hoped Louis might give him – _them_ \- a chance, but he respected his wishes.

But now…

He was mad. He grunted and ran right in between Louis and the tech guy to put some distance between them. He knew he was behaving like a child but he was absolutely done. With the tension and pretending.

He ran from the backstage of the stadium to the outside part they secluded for their buses and equipment. It started heavily raining once he stepped outside and he was quickly soaking through his stage clothes. He didn’t care.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to be mad at Louis or be jealous in the first place. He didn’t own him, they weren’t a thing.

They weren’t, but they could’ve been.

 _They could’ve been so good_ , Harry thought. His love for Louis had always been so clear and evident, but was waiting for Louis to figure himself out and in the mean time Harry did too. They weren’t the clingy children they were in X-Factor and later when they lived together. They matured and changed, and Harry was certain that now they knew what they wanted. And who they wanted.

But apparently not.

Harry knew this was a breaking point of some sort. For him and for everything that will happen in rest of their band history. He couldn’t tell what but the fact that him and Louis might not be something will inevitably take its toll on everything. But especially on Harry.

He crossed his arms on his chest and paced back and forth while rain pounded around him. He felt his love for Louis bleeding out, mixing with rain and pumping back inside him mellowed out and licking at the inside of his veins. It was like he was letting go of a living thing and he felt like mourning over it.

It wasn’t long until backdoor opened loudly and he saw a concerned Louis coming towards him.

 

Louis was so angry but scared as well. This was the beginning of their stadium tour and Harry was throwing a tantrum. He didn’t understand what happened backstage, he was simply talking to the tech guy and got a bit flirty. It wasn’t like he meant anything by it. It was just innocent banter.

“What the hell are you doing, Harry?” he yelled and approached him, feeling rain falling heavily on him as well. Harry was completely wet and Louis knew Caroline will skin them alive for ruining their clothes an hour before stage time.

Harry looked at him with daggers shooting out of his eyes. His stance was defensive but he looked more like a kicked puppy standing in the rain. “Why the fuck do you care?”

It was Louis’ turn to be irrationally mad. “The fuck is that? Why are you mad at me for?”

Harry’s jaw clenched but his nostrils flared and Louis could see he was on the verge of tears.

“Why can’t you just be honest with me for once? Why do we have to dance around each other and you always have to hide from me? Go and flirt with that tech guy if you want! But be honest and don’t keep me in the dark, Louis. I don’t…”

“Harry.”

“You said you were gay, Louis, and you said you won’t and can’t date anyone right now because band is your first priority and then… But then I turn around and you’re already flirting with first guy that you meet!”

“I wasn’t flirting!” Louis yelled, throwing his hands in the air. Rain was falling even more heavily now. “I don’t care about him! And if I was why would you be mad about it anyway? What’s it to you?”

He saw Harry fighting the words in his head, his face scrunching that he was looking like it physically tore him apart. He fish-mouthed for a second but then Louis saw a new kind of determination in his eyes.

“Because I love you!” Harry screamed.

Louis stood still, looking at Harry who was scrunching his face again and hiding his tears which were invisible in the cloak of rain.

“There, I said it! I love you and when you said you were gay I hoped… I hoped that it’d mean something for us. That you finally realised who you wanted.”

“Harry.”

“But it’s fine.” Harry said and turned away from Louis as if it was hurting to look at him. “You’re allowed to date whoever you want and do whatever you want. I’ll just get over it and stay out of your way.”

“Harry, wait.” Louis walked over to him. Harry was staring resolutely at his boots and biting his lip. The rain slowed down to a drizzle. The both of them were freezing and soaked to the bones, but this conversation was important. Louis couldn’t believe it was happening. He was shaking from head to toes and stood right in front of Harry. It seemed like the distance between them had grown even larger and Louis couldn’t get any closer, not before he admitted how he felt too.

“Harry, I love you too.”

Harry’s head snapped up and his arms fell to the sides of his body. “What?”

“I love you too,” Louis repeated and smiled shyly. “I was scared of you loving me before and I was scared about us. I thought it will disappear, that I fooled myself into thinking you’re the one I want because I was confused and scared for so long. But I’m not anymore.”

“But you never said-”

Louis put two fingers on Harry’s plump lips to keep him quiet. “But I also know that we needed this time apart to figure ourselves out. You’ve grown so confident and strong, and I admire you so much, you have no idea, babe.”

Harry smiled, kissed Louis’ fingers and stepped closer to him.

“We wouldn’t have been good if we got together before. I- there’s some things you need to know if you want to be with me.”

“Louis, there’s nothing- I love you, I’ll understand.”

Louis put his hands on Harry’s shoulders. “I know. You’d be so sweet and understanding, you’d never hurt me intentionally. I know that. But this might be a deal breaker for us and I want you to listen to me and take time to consider it. Please.”

Harry nodded seriously.

“Okay. I’m-” Louis couldn’t believe he will say it, come out properly to someone, to _Harry_ of all people. “I’m asexual.”

“You’re a what?”

“I’m asexual. It means that – if we do this, if we date - that I won’t have sex with you. Ever. I’m sort of repulsed by some of it so I won’t want to do some things. I’d like to kiss you, hold your hand and cuddle you, but sex won’t ever happen.”

“But…”

Louis knew it was time to give Harry some time. They finally got their heads out of their asses about their feelings, but this was solely Harry’s decision and Louis would respect that. It’d be crushing if Harry said it’s too much but it was always a possibility. And Louis will have to live with it.

“I think it’ll be better if I give you time to do some research and time to think before you decide anything. But know that I love you and that’s all I really have to offer.” Louis finished and cupped Harry’s cheeks with his hand. “I’m sorry.”

When Harry didn’t say anything but kept looking at him like he was stunned, Louis took it as his cue to leave and give him some space. After all, they still had a performance to do and he was getting cold in these damp clothes. Louis stepped back to go and change before he got sick and ruined their tour before they even started. He felt a grip on his wrist and he saw Harry’s sad eyes probing into him.

“Please stay.”

Louis took Harry’s free hand and kissed his knuckles affectionately. Harry interlaced their fingers together with the other.

“I’m not really sure what that means, but I don’t want to let you go. If you don’t like sex, I’d never force you into doing anything. It’d be wrong. It’s not fun for me if my partner isn’t comfortable with what we do. And I’d like that.” Harry smiled just for Louis. “For us to be partners, Louis.”

“I’d like that too.” Louis said softly.

“I love you.” Harry said and leaned his forehead down against Louis’. “Can I kiss you?”

Louis nodded happily and leaned up to connect their lips. It was a kiss of new love, shy and reserved, almost reminiscent of their kiss at Leeds but there was a familiar edge to it. Mature and experienced streak ran through it, like they have been kissing each other for years. Harry playfully nipped at Louis bottom lip, making Louis laugh and effectively broke their kiss. They stared at each other with new hope and stars in their eyes when back doors opened wide.

“What are you doing out there in the rain?! You’ve got a show in half an hour, you dickheads!” it was one of the security guys who came looking for them. Harry and Louis held hands all the way to the dressing rooms where they endured Caroline and Louise’s yelling for good ten minutes before they changed.

 

~*~

 

Next two months were spent in getting reacquainted with one another. Louis moved some of his things to Harry’s house in Hampstead and some clothes to his LA property. Harry in turn did his best in researching asexuality. At first he was quite scared to even kiss Louis for more than few seconds, but then Louis gave him a good bollocking and told him that he too could use some exploring and see what he liked or was comfortable with so Harry shouldn’t be shy to do what he wanted.

“If I don’t like it, then we stop.” Louis said and Harry happily agreed.

It also didn’t change a lot from when they were living together. Harry did all the cooking and most of the cleaning, and Louis served as all around entertainment for him. He felt more free because now he could just sneak up to Harry and steal a kiss or two without over-thinking it. Harry wanted him and Louis wanted Harry. It was great.

Harry was extra careful to ask for permission to do anything and Louis was extra attentive to give Harry extra cuddles and kisses whenever Louis refused to do something. He felt guilty even when Harry said it was okay.

And the other lads were ecstatic about the development of events. Niall nearly cried when they told them, claiming “it was long time coming, lads!” Zayn simply nodded and smiled at Louis.

“Knew you’d be okay.” Louis sometimes felt that Zayn knew a lot more than he was letting on. He thought that Zayn might know about his asexuality and he was silently appreciating him. He felt more nervous about how Liam will take it. Granted, the lad has been more relaxed and he didn’t jump to the worst scenarios of ‘what would it mean for the band’ anymore but Liam was his boy too. In a different way than Harry was but he valued his opinion.

Liam slapped his back and grinned.

“Now I can properly tease you about being a pair of queens.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “I can still kick your arse for that too, Payno.”

Liam smiled wide and simply hugged Louis.

And that was that.

~*~

 

It was only when they were heavily snogging on the large sofa in Harry’s house that things hit a wall. Harry got too lost into them and the heavy atmosphere that he without a warning rubbed himself off on Louis’ thigh. Louis grimaced but held onto the back of Harry’s neck and upper arm, thinking he will stop soon when he felt how uncomfortable Louis was.

Harry didn’t stop. He chased his release and grunted into Louis’ neck while Louis was near tears.

“Harry.” He said shakily, but Harry interpreted his plea as a sign of pleasure and moaned when he messed up the inside of his boxers. Louis was quick to push him away and sit up on the sofa. When Harry’s glazed eyes came back into focus and he saw Louis wiping at his eyes and glancing at the wet spot in Harry’s jeans he too sat up.

“Oh my god,” he said, taking Louis’ face into his hands. “I’m so sorry, Lou. I didn’t- I got too caught up. Shit, I’m so sorry.”

Louis smiled weakly and patted the back of Harry’s hand on his cheek. “It’s fine. I- I thought I could handle it, because we’ve done this before but… I thought maybe it’d be fair to give you something in return because it was so long before we’ve done anything more than kissing.” Harry’s hands fell from Louis’ face and he looked down into his lap. “It was a bit uncomfortable, Haz. But ‘m not too grossed out. It’s fine.”

“But it was wrong. I practically humped you against your will. That- that’s shitty on so many levels.” Harry gulped, his voice strung with worry and regret. “I’m a shit boyfriend.”

“Harry.” Louis rolled his eyes. “I’m still here. As long as we talk about it, it’s all right. I want you to do what you want and not always dance around me and accommodate yourself. We all have different needs. It’s only natural you wanted to get off with your boyfriend.”

“But you don’t-”

“I’m not a fucking robot Harry.” Louis was getting slightly annoyed. “While it’s natural for you to crave sex, it’s okay for me not to. We all have different needs. I’ll happily get you off and see what works for us and what doesn’t but don’t hold this against me.”

“That’s not what I meant at all, Louis. Don’t put words in my mouth.” Harry said defensively, his brows furrowing. “You think I’m some sort of animal that can’t restrain himself when it gets aroused. Just because you’re not like me in that aspect doesn’t mean I’m beneath you or like some puppy you have to always please.”

“Haz-“

“I don’t think you’re a robot, but please try to respect me in return too. And when I apologise for my shitty behaviour don’t patronise me, okay? And just… I love you, I don’t want to fight.” Harry said and sagged against the backrest of the sofa.

“Alright. I’m sorry too.” Louis said and blinked timidly at Harry.

Harry nodded and apologised once more.

“It’s fine, love.” Louis sighed and reached to gently caress Harry’s cheek with his thumb. “D’you want to change your pants or something?”

“No.” Harry shook his head and dislodged Louis’ hand. “I sort of want to cuddle you. That okay?”

Louis beamed. “That’s amazing actually.”

 

 

It was few days later that Louis was still thinking about that incident. They did apologise to each other and things were back to normal, healed with a nice cuddle session watching Breaking Bad, but Louis still didn’t feel right.

He drew himself a nice cup of tea and sat in the living room while Harry was out grocery shopping for their dinner.

He couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t the first incident to happen and it certainly won’t be the last. It was his fault it happened in the first place, he thought. _If he wasn’t such a screw-up_. Normal people fight about money and chores and annoying family members who butt into their lives, but why can’t him and Harry be those people.

Why did Louis have to be born like this, a half-complete man, who has to focus every time his boyfriend wants him to get him off. It was stupid, and he was stupid. Everything was just stupid.

His tea was only left in droplets in his mug when he heard Harry coming through the door. He put the mug down on the coffee table and went to help Harry with his bags. Not that he needed it, really, that boy could carry dozens of things effortlessly in his giant palms, while Louis struggled to even hold a smartphone. Another thing to add to Louis’ ‘why I suck’ mental list.

 _Maybe it was the weather_ , he reasoned with himself, _or a full moon_.

“Hi, babe.” Harry greeted and leaned down to kiss Louis’ cheek, large bags full of food between them. “How do you feel about tortillas? But without the dough, just the meat and vegetables and sauce. So they’re not really tortillas then.” Harry stopped to think. “How do you feel about the tortilla stuffing, Lou?” He smiled so widely that Louis forgot the dark feelings that dragged his heart down since he woke up.

Louis grinned and took one of the smaller bags to put it on the counter in the kitchen. “Sure, love.”

Harry frowned. “Lou, something wrong?” He followed Louis to the kitchen and put the stuff on the counter before turning back to Louis.

“What?” Louis chuckled. It was scary how Harry could read him sometimes. _But then fail other times_ , his mind supplied.

“Your eyes are sad. They’re not crinkling.” Harry said as if that explained everything. Louis had to give it to him. He took a deep breath.

“I was thinking about what happened few days ago.”

Harry’s eyes widened. “When I- When we argued?”

Louis cleared his throat. “Yeah, and I wanted to apologise. For being a prick and looking down at you for feeling what you feel. For even trying to make you feel inferior in our relationship.” He cringed at himself for even saying it aloud. He was _stupid_ _stupid stupid_. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Harry’s mouth gaped open and he jumped to hug Louis tightly. “No, please Louis, no. It wasn’t like that.” His voice started to break and Louis hid his face in the crook of Harry’s neck, he couldn’t bear to see Harry cry now that he was feeling so emotionally raw. He might cry too and then everything will be shit.

“I was stupid too, please don’t beat yourself up about that.” Harry continued to plead. “It was just a misunderstanding. We were both at fault. It’s not only you.” He squeezed Louis even tighter. Louis squeezed him back. “Please, I was stupid too. I don’t want you to be scared of me and I don’t want to force you into anything. Kick me next time, Louis, I won’t mind. Give me a black eye for all I care.”

Louis chuckled brokenly. “That’d be something to explain to the lads and extra work for Louise.”

Harry sniffled and leaned back to look into Louis’ eyes. He gently cupped Louis’ face in his large palms and gently caressed them. “You’re so important to me. I don’t want you to doubt yourself and force yourself to do anything. Please, I couldn’t bear it if you hated me.”

“I couldn’t hate you, Harry.” Louis said softly and run his hands across Harry’s back. “But I can’t help but think how much better it’d be if I could do everything with you. At least _for_ you, because you deserve to feel good. All the time.”

“I do, Lou, I do.” Harry jumped to reassure him, smiling lightly. “I love to kiss you so much and hug you. Or just touch you in any small way. You make me so happy, lambkin.”

Louis curved an eyebrow. “Lambkin?”

“Bringing back the old nicknames.” Harry said and winked cheekily.

Louis hummed. “Okay, lambkin. I like kissing you too.”

Harry kissed his forehead. “Good. Because I want to do it all the time.”

Louis laughed and slapped Harry’s bum when they separated. “Go make me dinner, you sap.”

Harry started to rummage through his bags and Louis went to get his mug from the living room. He was still feeling a bit sad but more than ever he was convinced that Harry wanted to work with him on them. He was in this too.

When he walked back into the kitchen, the bags were gone but now the counters were cluttered with vegetables, meat and pans. “Wanna help?” Harry asked and Louis happily clapped his hands.

“Sure, what first?”

 

Few hours later, when they finished their dinner and ate it in the soft candle light (“It’s romantic Louis, and I like the smell.”) in the kitchen, Louis yawned and asked if Harry wanted to go to sleep with him.

“I have to clean the dishes first.”

Louis whined and grabbed Harry’s hand to drag him to the bedroom. “It can wait. I want to cuddle.”

“Louuuu,” now it was Harry’s turn to whine. “The sauce will get all crusty and the meat will get soggy. I don’t want to deal with that tomorrow.”

“Then I’ll do it. Please, just go with me.”

Louis was not above begging with Harry, it was probably the only time he let his guard completely down. They got to the bedroom and slowly went through their night routine. Louis first because he was faster and didn’t bother with moisturizers and crèmes like Harry did, and soon he was just in his pants snuggled under the covers. Harry came back from the ensuite and opened his pyjamas drawer.

“What are you doing?” Louis asked sleepily from the fluffy mountain he was hiding under.

“Finding a shirt to wear.” Harry answered and flopped through his carefully folded clothes.

“You don’t have to.”

“It’s a bit cold.”

“I’ll keep you warm.” Louis said and Harry grinned.

“Alright.” He said and slid next to Louis under the soft duvet. Louis made grabby hands for him and plastered himself on Harry’s side, putting his head on Harry’s chest and tangling their legs together. Louis sighed happily when he felt Harry’s hand circling around his waist.

They were only wearing their pants so the skin-to-skin contact was almost omnipresent. It was so intimate and so wonderful. Feeling each others presence and hearing Harry’s heartbeat filling the silence in the room. He thought that nothing could beat this. This was the most serene Louis felt and it was the best thing about his relationship with Harry. They didn’t need to grope and fuck each other senseless to feel close and intimate. The simple feel of Harry next to him, his warmth and soft kisses to Louis’ hair were the best. He was amazed how soft Harry’s skin always was and he turned a bit to kiss right over his heart.

“I could do this forever, Lou.” Harry mumbled half-asleep. Louis snuggled even close, pressing another kiss to Harry’s jaw.

“Me too. I love you.”

“I love you too, lambkin.”

 

~*~

 

Few years later, after their fifth album and getting the green light to start seeding before the big break and official coming out, they could finally get their own peace and talk to the public about their relationship. It hasn’t been entirely a smooth ride and Louis sometimes stayed longer in bed thinking Harry must be mad to stay in a relationship with him, but seeing that dopey smile reserved just for him flickered a new hope in Louis every time he saw it.

After almost five years of being together and only two officially public, Louis didn’t have any major complaints. Maybe he spoke too soon.

 

Louis was thinking about everything that led to them sitting in Chatty Man studio and staring at Bruce trying to be funny, it occurred to him how lucky he’s been. He struggled for a while but it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Everything happened for a reason. He squeezed Harry’s hand and Harry shoot him a small smile. They were in this together. _The dream team_.

Bruce was rambling something about charm and Harry’s image in the media in early years of their band history, and Louis completely tuned him out. He was desperate to get this interview over and done already. Harry simply deflected him with a cheeky comment and Bruce laughed obnoxiously.

“You certainly know your way to a girl’s pants, don’t you boys?” The crowd tittered at the exchange.

Louis smiled awkwardly and glanced at Harry who was blinking and biting the side of his finger.

Bruce laughed. “But you don’t, do you? I mean if all your recent interviews and your tweets tell us correctly, you have been really into men’s side of the lingerie store.” Louis could see Bruce mentally congratulated himself on the world play which was horrible but Louis still kept quiet.

“You identify as gay, right, both of you?” Bruce said seriously and Louis didn’t like where he was going with this. The public knew about this for good two years. It wasn’t news, exactly.

They both nodded curtly.

Bruce smiled. “Now, if I remember correctly, one of you said that you’re together for more than four years, right?” They nodded again. “Oh my, that’s amazing.” The crowd cheered.

They both smiled and looked at each other with mirth in their eyes. “Thank you.” Harry mumbled when he looked back at Bruce.

“But it must be draining, right. Being with one person for such a long time. I bet by now you know the ins and outs for every freaky sexual position. Am I right?” Bruce turned to the audience, stretching his arms to the side and demanding approval and applause for what he believed was a spicy question. He probably thought that Louis and Harry will be ready to tell him and only him what’s going on behind the closed doors.

Louis mentally snorted. He was in for a big juicy disappointment. He bit back a comment how he was too ace for this stuff, but Harry was frowning next to him.

“You know, it’s not polite to assume these things.” He said calmly but Louis could sense he was really agitated by the straight line of his lips.

Bruce turned to them again, blinking confusedly. “What? That your sex lives must be boring? Please, Harry, it’s no reason to be embarrassed.”

“I’m not embarrassed.” Harry was quick to defend. “I’m just saying that you might not know what people feel. There’s a lot of people out there who don’t want or like sex.”

Louis’ eyebrows almost jumped off his forehead in surprise. _No_ , Harry, please don’t do this. He could already sense where this was going but he could only sit and watch it unfold right in front of his eyes.

Bruce laughed. “Come on, Harry. That’s just an excuse. There’s no one in the world that dislikes sex. It’s unnatural.”

Harry tried to restrain himself from punching Bruce in the face on live TV. Instead he used his words. “No, it’s not. It’s a real sexuality and a lot of people experience it!”

Bruce shook his head and turned to the audience for back-up. “Do you believe this?” He then turned to Harry again. “Name one person who hates sex.”

And then Harry did the thing that will shatter Louis’ world. He turned to him, whispered softly but the microphone still caught it loud and clear: “Lou.” And shot the horse in the head.

The audience and Bruce went completely silent. And then Harry realised what he did and his face turned bright red. Louis on the other hand was completely numb, he stared at one spot behind Bruce and prayed that this didn’t just happened.

“Louis?” Bruce whispered in shock. At this point Louis could’ve played it off, pretend Harry was just joking and exaggerating for some good television material, but his throat was dry and his lips were glued to one another. All of the eyes were on him, judging.

So he simply stood up, pulled the microphone from his shirt and threw it on the table, and then stormed out of the studio. He quickly got into the car with their security and told the driver to get him home.

“In Hampstead or-“

“No, to my mum’s house. Doncaster.”

 

~*~

 

Louis was hiding.

He swore he will never be scared of who he is but it all came so unexpectedly that he felt like a cornered animal, ready to lash out if someone even looked at him in the wrong way.

And it was all Harry’s fault.

How could he- he was so stupid and bit Bruce’s hook like a starved fish, reeling himself in and bringing Louis along. Louis was so mad at him, he felt so betrayed.

His phone kept vibrating the entire first day he spent at his mum’s, with the lads and Harry calling or texting him. He didn’t respond to any of it, but instead took out the phone battery.

His mum was concerned when she saw him shivering at her doorstep, not even a phone call to tell her he was coming. Thankfully, she didn’t ask too much, just let him cry on her shoulder and listen to him curse under his breath. She understood it had to do something with Harry, since Harry tried to reach her too and when she saw Louis’ face falling when she picked up, she quickly hung up.

He spent the first day in a spare bedroom, where he would usually be whenever he visited. He loved the house he bought for his mum but he missed the smells of their old house. It still felt too foreign even after the girls and his mum and Dan living here for seven years.

The next day he preoccupied himself with the youngest twins. They were almost four years old and they were babbling and running around wildly. Louis loved to play with them and answer their questions, simply be around them. They represented a sort of innocence he craved to have, to go back to being an innocent child without a worry on his mind.  

On the third day, his mum approached him while he was making them tea for new Doctor Who episodes. She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed his temple. He felt so loved and like he was a kid, back with his mum again.

“Do you want to tell me what happened, Boo?” she asked softly and took her cup from his hands.

Louis grimaced. Truth be told, he did. He had to explain all the headlines that she saw online and people tweeting her. But how does one talk about sex (or lack of it) to one’s mother. Sex talk is always awkward with parents.

He needed someone on his side right now, and his mum had always supported him.

“Yeah.” He said and then went to sit in the living room. He sipped on his tea before saying anything. For courage, he supposed.

And then he explained how Harry outed him in front of a TV show host, his audience and millions of people who were watching at home. He shortly explained to her what asexuality was and what it exactly meant for him and how that reflected on his and Harry’s relationship. His cheeks were red the entire time, but his mum didn’t interrupt him, only asking few short questions here and there. She admitted that she had to google some of the things before because people kept tweeting her about it. She was incredibly supportive and Louis was so happy he had a wonderful mum like her.

“So, that’s it.” He finished, setting his empty cup aside. “I don’t know what to do now.”

“Boo, I wouldn’t blame you if you stayed here for as long as you need. But I saw some pretty nice things being said about you. From the fans and from some other people. A lot of them don’t really understand how it works, but I think that you gave a lot of people confidence. There aren’t a lot of people like you out there. People in such a position to influence others and spread awareness.” His mum hugged him. “You know how great you did with Believe In Magic and Eden Dora? You might use this as an advantage and show how proud you are of yourself.”

Louis hesitated. “I am. But it all came so sudden. And this is so personal. How can I represent a whole group of people? Asexuality is so complex, mum, there are billion ways how people fit the spectrum. I can’t represent all of them. I don’t even know what to say.”

“And you won’t. You don’t have to.” His mum ran her hand through his hair soothingly. “You only have to tell about yourself. But there’s a common ground to every identity, right? Asexual people don’t feel sexual attraction. It doesn’t matter what other attraction or feelings lie for individuals. This is something you can do. Talk about it and make the media talk about it. You’ve already helped a lot of young people with your music and coming out with Harry. Imagine how positive this could be.”

She was right. He remembered his blog in early days of his sexuality research and the people he talked with. Some of them hoped Louis or at least some of the boys to be in their spectrum or close enough, just to feel that much closer to them. To feel safer.

He wanted to be that - a safe space for people. It would be nice to talk with others freely about this, about how he felt. And he remembered the joy he felt when he saw an asexual flag during On The Road Again tour.

He always wanted to give back in any way he could and he always thought the best way for that was through charity. But it occurred to him that a simple ‘me too’ might echo louder.

Louis peered up on his mum. She was smiling gently and kept petting his hair. He felt like six years old again, with a bruise on his knee and his mum soothing him from inside out with her presence and words. He loved her so much.

“Maybe I could.” He said. “But Harry…”

“You don’t have to talk to him. I know it might’ve been an accident but he still did what he did. I wouldn’t blame you if you break it off with him.”

“I don’t want to break up. I was thinking about it, but I love him. He was an idiot but he meant well. I guess. I have to talk to him.”

He sat up to get his phone but changed his mind. “Maybe later, I’ll stay here for now.” Then he hugged his mother again and they watched Doctor Who together.

It was amazing how even at 27 years of age Louis could still crave his mum’s company and hugs. People never grow out of that, he supposed.  

 

~*~

 

When Louis came back to his and Harry’s house in Hampstead, he didn’t expect to see what he did.

The house was spotless, almost borderline disturbingly clean. Louis suspected for a second a crime must have happened here and the murderer did an almost too good job.

“Harry?” he called, expecting him to be somewhere in the house. He put the battery back into his phone only that morning and he didn’t know where Harry was. He might’ve stayed with Zayn or Niall for all Louis knew. Then he heard something crash in the direction of their bedroom and he quickly went there. He knocked politely, and then cringed at himself. It was his house too; there was no need for knocking. Things were shit, yeah, but there was no need to act like he was visiting a stranger.

“Harry?” he called again and heard a gasp from the inside. He opened the door and saw Harry hovering over a slim vacuum cleaner and a broken mug in his hand. Louis’ mug. If Louis wasn’t feeling so tired, he’d thing it was sort of poetic.

“Louis. You’re home.” Harry said and quickly put away the broken mug and the vacuum cleaner.

“I- Yeah, I’m home.” Louis said lamely, putting his hands into the pockets of his jean jacket. “What happened?” he gestured to the mug.

“Oh, uhm, I got a cleaning bug and I wanted to clean the house…so… but then I got distracted looking through some old souvenirs and stuff. And then I thought I might vacuum the house while I’m at it, to keep myself busy. And I got to the bedroom and saw an old jumper of yours in the corner and accidentally knocked the mug on the top of the drawers with it and…” Harry took a long breath. “You’re home.”

Louis nodded. He shouldn’t have felt so endeared by Harry’s rambling but here he was. He was hopeless when it came to Harry.

“I am.”

“Okay.” Harry stepped toward him but changed his mind and sat away from him on the bed. “Wait- Can I tell you something first?”

Louis shrugged and Harry took it as an answer enough.

“Okay. Uhm, I’m really sorry what happened at the Chatty Man show. I didn’t mean to out you on purpose. I just got mad that he was being pushy and rude but you weren’t saying anything.”

“Harry.” Louis stepped toward him, ready to argue back.

“I was mad because you sat there, accepting what he was saying about us and you and everyone who identified like you do. And I just couldn’t anymore. He was a pompous arse and he pushed all the right buttons.”

“Harry, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, he was just… he made me so mad.” Harry said and clenched his fists in his lap. “But why did you take it? Why didn’t you say anything back?”

“Harry, I’ve been hearing shit like that for my whole life. I’ve just learned to brush it off, because he and most of his audience don’t understand it. So why should I bother on telling them anything? It was too personal.”

Harry’s chin wobbled. “Then it’s just me who’s been the idiot. I’m so sorry, Lou. I didn’t really think it will happen like this.”

Louis didn’t know what to say. He hated that Harry was feeling so upset about what happened that he was crying in front of him.

“I’ll understand, Louis. I will. I was getting mad locked in here not knowing how you were, and if you knew what they were saying about us. And I just wanted to clean to get my mind off things.” He sniffled. “I’ll leave you to pack your bags in peace.”

“What?” Louis asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I outed you, Louis. That’s the lowest someone can get. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I betrayed your trust in the worst way possible – telling your secret to a million TV audience – I’m so sorry.”

“You’re breaking up with me?” Louis asked quietly, feeling his hearts cracking at the seams.

“I don’t want to, but it is what it is. I can hardly earn your trust again.” Harry said and stood up to get out of the room, possibly out of the house.

“Are you stupid? Don’t go.” Louis rushed to block his way to the door, putting his hands on Harry’s chest. “Now it’s my turn to talk.”

Harry blinked at him, but said nothing and Louis took it as a sign he could talk. “I was mad at you, okay? I was so mad I couldn’t even look at you for days. It was awful what you did, Harry, no doubt. But I talked to my mum…” Louis bit his lip nervously, staring at the dip where Harry’s throat connected to his collarbones. “She had some good reasons why this could actually be a good thing. I’ve been moaning since I found out I’m asexual about lack of good examples in the media and the overall representation but it never occurred to me that I could be it. Not like a spokeperson – that’d be weird – but like a person that someone can point to and say ‘look he’s living like that and he’s okay and so can I’.”

“What are you trying to say, Louis?” Harry’s voice was gruff but he wasn’t crying anymore at least.

“This could be good. I can come out fully. I _want_ to come out fully.” He smiled tightly at Harry. “You might’ve actually done me a favour.”

“You- what are you gonna do?” Harry asked, and Louis could feel his heart pulsing under his palm.

“Tweet something for starters. And if people ask in interviews, tell the full truth. About me. I think that’s enough.”

Harry reached to fix Louis’ fringe and Louis leaned into the touch. He felt Harry’s heart skipping a beat.

“You don’t want to break up with me, then?” Harry asked.

“No, silly. I’m still a bit mad at you. But that’s nothing a good plate of fajitas won’t solve.”

Harry’s eyes bugged out. “I can do that!” And then he leaned down to kiss Louis’ forehead before he sprinted to the kitchen and started putting out pots and pans.

Louis smiled to himself, thinking again about everything that led to this point in time. Things were still a bit shit and he wasn’t above making Harry sleep in the spare bedroom or the lumpy sofa in the living room, but taking into consideration what he was about to do…

His world might actually be alright.

He’ll come out to the world.

And he’ll be alright.

 

 

 

 

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